


Don't leave me

by jihancheols



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drug Use, Explicit Language, M/M, Sad feelings, Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, alcohol use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-05-06 11:31:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5415194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jihancheols/pseuds/jihancheols
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeonghan feels like he's holding his best friend back but doesn't want to let him go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stay

Seungcheol pulled up to where Jeonghan was waiting with Joshua at the school’s gates. Jihoon was sitting in the passenger seat and offered a small nod when he spotted them. He rolled down the window and Seungcheol greeted the pair, leaning over Jihoon to shout out the window.

“Hey Jeonghan, what’s up? You want a ride today?”

Jeonghan smiled, “Yeah, thanks a lot.” He looked a Joshua, who he usually walked home with. Recently Jeonghan had been hanging out with Seungcheol more since Wonwoo introduced them. He felt bad that he had been leaving Joshua out. “Can Joshua come too? We live close to each other, so you can just drop him off with me.”

“Oh no, it’s okay! I can walk by myself,” Joshua said, waving him arms weakly in protest.

“Yeah sure, he can come. It’s no problem really, there’s more than enough room,” Seungcheol replied.

“Thanks,” Joshua said shyly. He wasn’t that into Seungcheol since every time Jeonghan came back from hanging out with him, he reeked of cigarette smoke. Was it wrong to be over-protective of his best friend? He just didn’t want to see Jeonghan fall into the wrong crowd.

“We’re gonna stop by the gas station, if that’s ok with you guys,” Seungcheol said once the two settled in the backseat of Seungcheol’s run-down car. The whole car smelled like cigarettes and Joshua even noticed an empty carton as well as a lighter in a cup-holder.

“That sounds perfect actually,” Jeonghan said. He looked at Joshua sitting next to him and asked, “You don’t mind right?”

“Of course not,” Joshua smiled. He really didn’t want to hang out with them if they were gonna smoke but he didn’t want to be “that guy.” He decided just to go along with it for Jeonghan’s sake.

When Seungcheol parked at the gas station, he got out and told Jihoon, “Stay in the car and don’t talk to strangers.”

“Fuck off,” Jihoon replied.

“Language!” Seungcheol replied mockingly.

“I’m only a year younger than you, calm down with the whole babying thing,” Jihoon snapped.

Jeonghan got out and held the door for Joshua, “You coming?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll wait,” Joshua said.

“Okay, it’ll only take 5 minutes,” Jeonghan said before he closed the door.

“You don’t smoke?” Jihoon asked.

“No, I’m not really into that. I didn’t know Jeonghan was either….Or at least he didn’t use to be,” Joshua trailed off.

“You guys friends a while?” Jihoon prodded.

“Yeah, ever since elementary school.” Joshua answered, looking out the window but not focusing on anything in particular.

Jihoon didn’t ask anything else. He sensed Joshua’s discomfort and left him alone.

Joshua noticed Seungcheol and Jeonghan exit the small store and open a pack of cigarettes immediately. He watched as Seungcheol took a long drag before making small talk with Jeonghan. Seungcheol had offered the cigarette to Jeonghan but he refused. Joshua thought that maybe Jeonghan wasn’t actually into smoking, but maybe just into hanging out with Seungcheol. He didn't know which was worse. He never thought Jeonghan would be into that kind of stuff, since they were friends for so long, he thought he knew Jeonghan so well.

After a few minutes, the two rejoined Jihoon and Joshua in the car. Seungcheol drove towards Jeonghan’s house, and Joshua noticed that Seungcheol had the trip memorized. He wondered how often the two had been hanging out.

Once they got close to his house, Jeonghan spoke up to say, “Actually Seungcheol, can I come over for a lil bit?” He turned to Joshua to say “We’ll still drop you off, I don’t want your mom to get worried." He turned back to Seungcheol to say, "I’ll tell you how to get there from here.”

Joshua was a little hurt that Jeonghan was going to spend more time with Seungcheol rather than coming over to do homework with him, like they usually did. But he was also relieved that Jeonghan knew he didn’t want to hang out with Seungcheol any more than necessary.

“Yeah that’s fine. It’s around here right? Your house, Josh?” Seungcheol asked.

“Yeah…,” Joshua replied.

 

 Seungcheol was able to find the house easily and parked on the street next to his driveway. “It was nice seeing you Joshua. Jeonghan is always talking about you,” Seungcheol said as Joshua was making his exit.

“Thank you for the ride,” Joshua smiled. “I’ll see you later Jeonghan. Bye guys.” Joshua watched as Seungcheol slowly put his car back in drive and headed out with Jeonghan.

 

 While they were on their way to Seungcheol’s, Seungcheol got his hands on the pack of cigarettes at a red light. Once he lit it and inhaled a small amount, he offered it to Jeonghan who took it willingly this time.

“I just don’t want him to see me smoking. He doesn't really like this stuff, you know?” Jeonghan said before putting his mouth on the cigarette.

“What's up with this Josh guy anyways? Why do you hang out with him so much?” Seungcheol asked.

“We've been friends forever and he’s such a role model kid. He does well in school, he goes to church, his mom loves him. He’s everything my mom wishes I was,” Jeonghan said while exhaling smoke. “He helps me a lot with homework and stuff. He even shows me how to play the guitar sometimes.”

“So why does he hang out with you if he’s such a good kid?” Jihoon asked.

“Because he doesn’t know that I’m not,” Jeonghan said inhaling once more before reaching over to hand the cigarette back to Seungcheol at a stop sign.

 

 Seungcheol dropped off Jihoon before heading to his own house and told him something about how much he loved him and hoped he had a good day which elicited a middle finger in response. They pulled into Seungcheol’s driveway after a little while. He and Jihoon lived two towns over in a different school district. Seungcheol was good friends with Wonwoo who transferred to Jeonghan’s school this year. Jeonghan was paired with him in Algebra and they hit it off after they realized they were both shit at math. Wonwoo mentioned Seungcheol in passing sometimes, even mentioning Jihoon who was in the grade lower than them but still hung out with since he’s been friends with Seungcheol since he was born basically—their moms were close friends and thus, their sons were forced to be. Wonwoo invited Jeonghan to come to some small parties at Seungcheol’s house and they clicked immediately. So here they are now, Jeonghan stealing drags from his cigarettes when Joshua can’t see him.

They piled out and shuffled inside to Seungcheol’s room. His mom was never home before 5 so he always had friends over after school. Another great thing about his mom was that she smoked too, so she could never tell that the smell of cigarettes would sometimes come from her son’s room. It wasn’t that he couldn’t smoke—he was 18 and could legally buy himself cigarettes. But his mom wished he would never pick up the habit.

The two settled in on Seungcheol's bed. Seungcheol pulled out the ashtray he kept in secret and handed Jeonghan a cigarette he had already lit. Jeonghan let out a long exhale of smoke in a sigh and fell back on to Seungcheol’s bed with a thud.

“What’s the dramatics for?” Seungcheol joked.

“I just wish I didn’t have to keep secrets from Joshua…,” Jeonghan said, staring at the ceiling.

“Are you hiding anything else from him?” Seungcheol asked.

“Yeah, the fact that I’ve been in love with him since the seventh grade,” Jeonghan said.

“You haven’t told him?” Seungcheol asked.

“Of course not. He’s too good for me. He could probably go to Princeton if I wasn't always holding him back. He always spends so much time trying to help me with homework and stuff when he could be attending some math club or something.”

“Who wants to be in a math club?” Seungcheol added.

“Joshua would want to be in math club. He’s so damn good at it, he’d probably like it more than helping my dumb ass every day,” Jeonghan said before inhaling smoke.

“Don’t say that. He probably loves hanging out with you. Who wouldn’t?” Seungcheol said, trying to reassure Jeonghan.

Jeonghan jokingly shoved Seungcheol’s shoulder in response and let out a small chuckle. Really though, why did Joshua bother with him when he could be hanging out with his smart, church-going friends? His mom always liked them more than Jeonghan anyways. If Joshua didn’t see that Jeonghan was a fuck-up, his mom sure did.

“You know what you need?” Seungcheol said, getting up to retrieve a small box from his closet.

“What?” Jeonghan asked, watching Seungcheol closely.

Seungcheol came back to the bed and showed Jeonghan the box, filled with blunts.

“Dude, where’d you get those from?” Jeonghan asked, half-excited.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Is it Wonwoo?”

“…OK but don’t tell him I told you,” Seungcheol said.

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell me…,” Jeonghan trailed off. He took one last drag from his cigarette and put the butt in Seungcheol’s meager ashtray.

Seungcheol lit one and inhaled smoke before handing it to Jeonghan who gladly took it from him.

Exhaling a small cloud of smoke, Seungcheol asked “So, you really like Josh? For so long too….”

“Yeah, I don’t think he knows. I tried being as forward as I could without actually saying the words ‘I like you’ to him, but he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. It’s better this way though. I’d hate to drag him down with me. He could probably do a lot without me always bugging him,” Jeonghan said sadly.

“Dude, he is probably just a little oblivious,” Seungcheol said. “He’d be so lucky to have you, you’re so beautiful,” he said, staring at Jeonghan’s cheekbones now.

“Dude, that’s gay,” Jeonghan laughed.

“Shut up, you started it,” Seungcheol said with a giggle.

Jeonghan was now staring back at him. He was feeling light-headed from all the smoke and it was a rare occasion to have someone tell him he was wanted—he liked it. He moved closer to him on the small bed, and looked at Seungcheol for a moment, before leaning in to press their lips together. He tasted like smoke not surprisingly, but it was nice. When he felt Seungcheol kiss back, for the first time in a while, he felt wanted.

He knew that Seungcheol liked him, he knew it for a while. He wasn’t that discrete in his stares, or his constant offers to give Jeonghan rides home, or how he always let Jeonghan steal drags from his cigarettes. Being with Seungcheol made him feel whole, since being with Joshua always made him feel like a burden. He thought Joshua may never accept his affections, but Seungcheol was here and willing to—even wanted to. They stayed together on Seungcheol’s bed, stealing drags in between kisses.

After sitting across the bed from him, Jeonghan got up on his knees and inched his way into Seungcheol’s lap, putting his arms around his neck. “Do you like me?” Jeonghan asked.

“Yes,” Seungcheol responded, not looking away from his half-lidded eyes.

Jeonghan moved in closer to rest his chin on Seungcheol’s shoulder, he turned his head so his lips were ghosting Seungcheol’s ear. He wanted to tell Seungcheol thank you, thank you for spending time on him. Thank you for making him feel like he was wanted. But he couldn’t say anything. He just dug his face further into his shoulder.

Seungcheol had his arms around Jeonghan’s waist and positioned the two of them so that they were laying in Seungcheol’s small bed, Seungcheol protecting Jeonghan in his arms. Seungcheol wanted to keep Jeonghan close. He didn’t want to lose him.

Seungcheol had been Jihoon’s friend since they could crawl but he always felt like he was forcing Jihoon to stay by his side. He had met a boy who he was inseparable from back in first grade. The two seemed to be attached at the hip, but in the sixth grade he told Seungcheol that his parents were moving for work and he would be leaving. Seungcheol was heartbroken. He came crawling back to Jihoon once he left, hoping he wouldn't leave him too. But he always accepted Seungcheol back.

Seungcheol thought he found another best friend back in eighth grade when Wonwoo entered their class. The two and Jihoon all became quick friends and did everything together. But sure enough, Wonwoo told him last summer that he had to move to another school district when his family needed to live with his elderly grandmother. Again, Seungcheol was devastated and clung to Jihoon. Wonwoo didn’t move far though, just two towns over, and now they were old enough to all have phones to stay in contact. So the three still hung out as much as they could.

When Wonwoo introduced Seungcheol to Jeonghan, he was quickly drawn to him. But he always knew that he may lose him like the others. So while he could, he wanted to keep him close to prevent him from leaving. He couldn’t lose Jeonghan—he would make sure.

They must have fallen asleep like that because the next thing Seungcheol heard was his mom opening their front door and calling for him. He opened his eyes quickly, muttering some profanity that woke Jeonghan. He grabbed his ashtray and threw its contents out the open window—kicking himself because there was still a half-smoked blunt in there. He threw off his shirt and picked up a new one from closet, hoping to get rid of the smell a little before greeting his mom.

“Stay here, I’ll be right back,” Seungcheol whispered to Jeonghan, throwing a blanket over his tired body.

Jeonghan shuffled in the bed, as he heard Seungcheol close the bedroom door behind him. He was still so tired. Weed wasn’t that fun when all it did was make him sleepy. He heard the mumbling through the walls from Seungcheol and who he guessed must have been his mother. He didn’t hear any shouting, just soft voices, maybe talking about their days or what they were going to make for dinner. He wished he had that. He hated going home, that’s why he was always at Joshua’s pretending to really need help with whatever homework he had. Sure, he did actually need the help, but he could care less about actually getting his homework done.

That’s when Jeonghan realized he was supposed to meet Joshua after he came home from Seungcheol’s. He scrambled to look for his phone. He was tossing blankets up from the bed trying to find it. He heard someone approaching the door, so he stopped his frantic search and snuck back under the blankets.

Seungcheol appeared, peeling the blankets from his face. “Hey I told my mom I needed to buy something to make dinner, so I can drive you home.”

“Thanks, but, uh, have you seen my phone? I need to text someone,” Jeonghan said, his eyes still searching for any sight of it.

“Yeah, I put it on the desk because you left it on the floor,” Seungcheol replied, walking over to retrieve it for him.

“Thanks,” Jeonghan said, but focused on the screen to see missed texts from Joshua asking when he would be home. It was already after 6, Joshua was probably waiting for a while. He was so mad at himself for letting Joshua down—who was nice enough to help Jeonghan and waited patiently for his return. Jeonghan was ruining it.

Seungcheol handed Jeonghan his jacket, “C’mon, while my mom won’t see you. Let’s go,” he said with a smile.

Jeonghan just nodded, shoving his phone in his pocket and throwing on his jacket. The two quietly exited and headed to the car.

“Sorry for throwing you out like this but my mom would be pissed if she found out I had people over without asking,” Seungcheol said as he was pulling out of the drive.

“No it’s cool. I understand. Thanks for having me over, and driving me around,” Jeonghan said, staring out the window. The sun had set and he felt like it was 10p.m., making him even more tired.

“No problem, I like driving you around,” Seungcheol said, using a free hand that wasn’t on the steering wheel to hold Jeonghan’s, who flinched at the touch. “Sorry,” Seungcheol said, taking his hand back.

“No, it’s okay. Sorry, I’m just tired from napping,” Jeonghan tried to reassure him, reaching to take his hand back. Seungcheol was the first person to really show any affection for Jeonghan, and he was driving him away. "Hey, can we stop somewhere so I can grab something to eat? I'm starving," Jeonghan asked.

"Yeah, where do you wanna go?" Seungcheol asked him, hand still holding Jeonghan's.

"How about that place on the corner?" Jeonghan said looking ahead.

"Sure," Seungcheol said with a smile.

 

Jeonghan was able to order 2 burgers and a drink and returned to Seungcheol's car.

"Are you not making dinner at home?" Seungcheol asked when Jeonghan got back in the passenger seat.

"No, my mom won't be home tonight. And I don't really have anything to cook with at home. So this is fine for now," Jeonghan said, as he was already trying to unwrap a sandwich.

Seungcheol just nodded and started the car back up so he could get Jeonghan home.

He couldn’t help but think about Joshua the whole drive home. He got his phone out of his pocket with a free hand and reread the texts Joshua had sent him hours ago. He couldn't find the strength to reply. To tell him that he wanted to see him. That his house was empty again tonight and he wanted to be with someone. He didn't want to bother Joshua though. Joshua worked so hard to make sure Jeonghan didn’t fall behind in school. He felt like he was always holding Joshua back, maybe he should just let him go finally. So he could finally do the things he was supposed to, like join that weird math club, even stay after school for practice college entrance exams. Jeonghan didn’t want to hold Joshua back anymore, but he couldn’t stand to let him go either. He was so selfish.

“It’s this one right?” Seungcheol asked when he parked outside Jeonghan’s house.

Jeonghan finally snapped out of his own thoughts, “Yeah, sorry.”

“Are you okay? You’ve been kind of out of it lately,” Seungcheol said, retracting his hand from where it was resting on Jeonghan’s thigh. He hadn't even noticed it there.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, weed just makes me tired,” Jeonghan said reassuring him. It wasn’t working. “Thanks for today.”

“No problem, text me later or something, okay?” Seungcheol said as Jeonghan exited the car.

“Yeah,” Jeonghan smiled as he closed the door behind him making sure to grab all his things first. He walked up to his front door and when he unlocked it and opened it a few inches, he heard Seungcheol put the car back in drive to leave. Jeonghan thought how nobody usually waited for him to make it back inside before leaving. Seungcheol was really the best thing he had going for him right now, and he was making a mess out of it.


	2. Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was replaceable.

When Jeonghan woke up the next day—when did he even fall asleep?-- he felt even worse. Not with a cough or a fever, but felt like he couldn’t get out of bed. Maybe it was because it was almost time to start applying to colleges and he felt more worthless than ever. How was he going to get into a good school? He knew Joshua would, and leave him behind in the process. Maybe if he finally told Joshua how he felt about him, he would stay with him. But how could he be so selfish?

Maybe he could take the day off. A mental health day as people call it. He’d have to tell Joshua to walk to school without him though. He never texted him back last night. Joshua was probably mad at Jeonghan, he wouldn’t want to have to walk with him today anyways.

Jeonghan opened a new message and typed: _Hey, I don’t feel very good today. Sorry I haven’t been replying. I won’t make it to school today. Sorry._

What else could he tell him? ‘ _Sorry I have been distant lately and feel like I wanna die every time I wake up_?’  
That was probably a little too much for him. Joshua didn’t need to know.

New message from Joshua: _Oh no :-( Are you OK?? I hope u feel better!!_

Fuck. He felt worse now.

Jeonghan opened a new message on his phone and typed: _Hey can you come over after school?_

He thought maybe not being alone would make him feel better. Since being alone wasn’t helping at all.

 

Finally there was a knock on Jeonghan’s door. He must have been laying in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling. He was relieved someone else would be here to stare at instead.

He opened the door and Seungcheol greeted him, “Hey what’s going on? Did you not go to school today?”

“Yeah, I decided to skip it today,” Jeonghan replied, closing the door behind Seungcheol.

“Are you sick or something?” Seungcheol asked, instinctively putting his hand to Jeonghan’s forehead.

“Something like that I guess,” he mumbled.

“Well, shit. Let’s get you to bed. Do you want soup or anything?” Seungcheol said as he went into protective mode.

“No, it’s fine. I’m okay,” Jeonghan said, trying to calm Seungcheol down.

Seungcheol wouldn’t hear it. He was pushing Jeonghan towards his room. He made Jeonghan get back into his bed and he covered him with every blanket he could find. Seungcheol took off the hoodie he was wearing and put it on Jeonghan, trying to warm him up even more.

“This really isn’t necessary,” Jeonghan complained.

Seungcheol put a hand to Jeonghan’s forehead again, “Look, you’re burning up. We gotta keep you warm so your fever goes down.”

“I’m warm because you put me under all these blankets,” Jeonghan protested.

“You’ll feel better soon, don’t worry,” Seungcheol said, obviously not paying attention to Jeonghan’s objections. “You should probably get some rest, that’s the best medicine.”

“I’m telling you I don’t have a fever,” Jeonghan groaned.

“You won’t after this. Now get some rest,” Seungcheol said.

Seungcheol headed to the kitchen to look for anything resembling soup. He noticed the cabinets were pretty barren. He opened the fridge and noticed Jeonghan didn’t finish his food he bought the night before. “Hey Jeonghan, did you not eat from last night?” he called from the kitchen.

“Oh, no. I wasn’t that hungry I guess,” Jeonghan mumbled.

“Okay, well I’m gonna go run to the store quick and buy you some soup,” Seungcheol said as he closed the fridge door. He came back into Jeonghan’s room where he was bundled up tightly and gave Jeonghan a kiss on his warm forehead. “Call or text me if you need anything else.”

Jeonghan just sighed as Seungcheol left. But he heard Seungcheol call for him before he could make it out the door.

“Jeonghan, there’s a package or something out here by the front door,” Seungcheol yelled.

Jeonghan got up from the blanket prison to see what he was talking about. Seungcheol was right, there was a small package and it had his name on it. Jeonghan recognized the handwriting immediately, it was Joshua’s. He opened it and there was soup and a little note. “ _Hope you feel better,”_ signed with a little heart next to “- _Joshua.”_ The soup was still warm, he must have recently made it. Maybe he saw Seungcheol’s car already in the drive and decided to leave it on the steps.

Jeonghan was so mad at himself. Joshua was nice enough to make him soup and take it over to his house, and he was with Seungcheol instead. He didn’t want Joshua to worry about him. He wanted Joshua to be spending his time doing more important things, like working on college applications, or even going to a weird math club, maybe even learning new songs on his guitar.

But he still hoped that maybe Joshua made him the soup because he felt the same way for Jeonghan as he did for Joshua. Jeonghan was even angrier at himself because he knew Joshua didn’t really like him. He just knew. He had to stop thinking so much.

“What is it?” Seungcheol asked.

“He…,” Jeonghan started, but got choked up. He didn’t know why he was crying. Isn’t this what he wanted? Joshua to make him soup and comfort him while he was sick? The problem was that Joshua wasn’t here to actually comfort him. He wasn’t the one Jeonghan had invited over. Jeonghan wished that he was. Jeonghan wished that he could have Joshua here with him, but he knew that was foolish. He couldn’t force Joshua. He felt so stupid that he told Joshua that he was even sick in the first place. It obviously just caused problems.

“Hey it’s okay,” Seungcheol said while putting his arms around Jeonghan. “What did you get? Soup? I’ll heat it up for you.” He wiped the tears off Jeonghan’s cheeks and ushered him back into his bed.

Jeonghan didn’t know what was worse, being so in love with someone who didn’t love him back, or being that person to Seungcheol. He liked Seungcheol of course. But he didn’t love him like he did Joshua. He thought that he needed Seungcheol though. He was the only person who actually liked him, or so he thought. He couldn’t risk being alone by letting Seungcheol go. He wanted to be held, to be told that someone cared for him. He was selfish this way, but he needed it.

“Okay, it’s really hot so let it cool down before you go to eat it,” Seungcheol said as he carefully placed the bowl on the small nightstand next to Jeonghan’s bed.

Jeonghan reached out to pull Seungcheol down on his bed with him. He hid his face in Seungcheol’s shirt and said, “Please, stay with me. Don’t leave me alone.”

Seungcheol sat for a moment, not saying anything. He felt bad he wasn’t the one who brought soup for Jeonghan. He felt bad he didn’t understand Jeonghan. He wanted to hold Jeonghan in his arms and keep him close, like that would fix everything, but he thought that maybe his arms weren’t the ones Jeonghan wanted to be in. Why didn’t he know what to do? How to help Jeonghan?

Did Jeonghan even really like him? He’d never said it. He still seemed to like Joshua so much. Why did he even invite Seungcheol over? He must have liked him.

Seungcheol was selfish too. He wanted Jeonghan even if he didn’t want him back. He couldn’t lose anyone else in his life. He had to hang on to someone if he could. He couldn’t have people enter and leave his life anymore. He needed Jeonghan to stay. He would keep Jeonghan in his arms. Whenever he asked. However long he could.

Jeonghan looked up at Seungcheol and asked, “Do you like me?”

“Of course,” Seungcheol said, trying to smile. Of course he liked Jeonghan. He thought he was the most beautiful person he ever met. He could talk to Jeonghan for hours, just sitting in his bedroom after school, sharing cigarettes. He even got along with Jihoon, which was hard to do as Jihoon was very selective with the people they chose to hang out with.

He wanted to tell Jeonghan that he thought he loved him. It would probably scare Jeonghan, this early into the friendship. Everyone probably falls in love with Jeonghan. Was he any different from other admirers? Seungcheol hoped so. Jeonghan did ask him to come over today to comfort him in sickness. He didn’t ask Joshua. Or maybe he did and Joshua turned him down. Maybe Seungcheol was just the second option. But he felt partly okay with that. He loved staying with Jeonghan. He didn’t want to be away from him. But what if Jeonghan didn’t feel the same way, just thought Seungcheol was a friend. He wanted to ask, ask if he liked him back. But Seungcheol couldn’t bear to hear that he didn’t. It was better to just imagine that Jeonghan liked him.

Jeonghan moved in to kiss Seungcheol, who seemed to have forgotten about Jeonghan’s cold. “How much do you like me?” Jeonghan asked, eyes focused on Seungcheol’s. They were so close, Seungcheol could smell himself on Jeonghan wearing his hoodie.

Seungcheol brought their lips back together. If he wanted to show Jeonghan that he liked him, he would buy him flowers and spoil him as much as he could. He would never let him out of his sight. He didn’t know what Jeonghan wanted. Did he love him or did he love Joshua? He was scared to ask because he didn’t want to know his answer. He moved to pepper kisses along his jaw and up to his ear. He whispered, “I like you so much, Jeonghan.” He would never say, _do you like me too?_ He would just give Jeonghan whatever he wanted. He would convince Jeonghan to like him back. With every cigarette. With every kiss.

Jeonghan repeated the words over and over in his head. What was he doing to Seungcheol? He didn’t want to hurt Seungcheol, he wanted to love him back. He wanted to forget Joshua and love Seungcheol, the only person who loved him back. He would try. Try to love Seungcheol, he deserved it. He was too nice to be hurt. He decided he would do anything Seungcheol wanted. Give him anything. Until Jeonghan loved him back. He would pretend for now, until he did love him back. He owed him this.

Seungcheol was placing gentle kisses on Jeonghan’s collarbones. When Jeonghan laid back, Seungcheol took the hem of the hoodie in his hands and looked at Jeonghan, his eyes asking, “ _Is this okay?”_

Jeonghan nodded, staring back at Seungcheol where he was hovered over him.

Seungcheol started to lift the hoodie, to sprinkle more kisses on his stomach to meet his chest. When he began move lower, to place kisses closer to his hip bones, Jeonghan tensed up.

Jeonghan didn’t know what he wanted. But he thought this was what Seungcheol wanted. Maybe he should just give himself to Seungcheol, he owed him. What else was Seungcheol here for? It’s not like Jeonghan had been in a great mood recently. He wasn’t fun to hang out with anymore. All he did was complain. About Joshua, about school, about his future. Which he thought were all the same problem. Seungcheol was probably just sticking around because he thought he was going to get something out of it. Seungcheol liked him, but how? Who could like Jeonghan when he was like this? Seungcheol just probably wanted to look at him, to touch him. Why else would he drive some pretty boy around and let him steal his cigarettes? This is what people want from guys like Jeonghan—to call them their own. Like diamond rings and nice cars, people love to call pretty things their own.

Seungcheol noticed Jeonghan’s apprehension and stopped. “Hey, if you don’t want to, we can stop,” Seungcheol said, worried to touch him. To break him.

“No, I want to. I want you,” Jeonghan said, getting up to wrap his arms around Seungcheol’s neck. He was placing kisses on his neck. He avoided his eyes. He couldn’t look at his face, he tried not to let Seungcheol know what was going on in his head.

“It’s okay. You’re sick anyways. You should just eat your soup and work on feeling better for now,” Seungcheol said as he detangled himself from Jeonghan’s grasp. Seungcheol handed Jeonghan the bowl of soup, placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth and said, “I can come back another time. Let me know how you feel.”

Jeonghan wanted to tell Seungcheol that if he left, he would feel worse. He wanted to be with someone. He wanted to feel like he was wanted. He needed to be shown that someone liked him. He would be that little pretty thing for Seungcheol. He would let himself be used. That’s what happens to pretty things—they get used. If it kept Seungcheol from leaving him, he would let Seungcheol do anything. Anything to keep him around. To keep his interest. To be pretty for him.

The one person who Jeonghan thought would give him attention, he was scaring away. Why was he ruining everything? Why was he pushing everyone farther away? He didn’t want to feel alone. Why wasn’t this working?

Before he knew it, he heard the front door close and Seungcheol getting into his car. Could he stop him? Convince him to stay? Or was it selfish to do this to Seungcheol?

He was so selfish. 

He took a sip of the soup Joshua had made him and he felt even worse. How could he spend his time with Seungcheol when Joshua cared for him as well? He scolded himself. Of course Joshua didn’t actually care for him. He probably knew Jeonghan didn’t really have any other friends and felt bad for him. Joshua could hang out with his friends from choir, from church, from those academic honor clubs. He didn’t need Jeonghan—Jeonghan needed him. After they graduate, Joshua will finally be able to toss him out and make new college friends. It would be easy for him. Easy for him to leave Jeonghan behind—the dead weight.

Even with Seungcheol, he was the one who needed him. He needed Seungcheol to want him. Seungcheol could just toss him out, get another pretty little thing to look at. Jeonghan was replaceable.

He put his soup back on the nightstand and hid under the covers. He was fucking everything up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more sad  
> its all i know


	3. Official

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was making things worse.

Jeonghan woke up to new text messages. He never remembered falling asleep anymore. It happened so much he couldn’t keep track.

 _“Did u get my package? I hope u liked it! Feel better :-)”_ From Joshua.

“ _hey are you feeling better? Wonwoo is gonna have a party at his house tonight if you wanna go.”_ From Seungcheol.

Maybe he should go to Wonwoo’s and talk to Seungcheol. He wanted to make sure Seungcheol didn’t hate him. He had to repair the only relationship he had left.

He decided to reply to Joshua though, before he got worried. That’s the last thing he wanted, was to upset Joshua.

“ _Thank you so much for the soup. It was delicious. I think I’ll stay in bed today until I feel better. Hope to see you Monday.”_

That ought to do it. Now Joshua wouldn’t worry. He felt bad for making Joshua pretend to care for him.

He decided to respond to Seungcheol as well. He didn’t even notice he was still wearing his hoodie.

“ _Yeah I can go. What time?”_

Joshua didn’t need to know he was going to go to Wonwoo’s. He didn’t seem to like parties. He didn’t really like when Jeonghan told him about going to parties. Joshua would just think Jeonghan was in bed, resting.

From Seungcheol: “ _Great! He said at like 8 tonight. Do you need a ride there?”_

_“No it’s cool. I can walk. It’s close by.”_

_“See you there,”_ Seungcheol replied.

Jeonghan stumbled around the house, trying to see if his mom was home to tell her he would be going out. He found her in the kitchen, and carefully approached her.

“Hey mom, I’m going out tonight,” he told her.

“Where?” she asked, turning toward him.

“A friend’s house. He lives close-by,” Jeonghan replied.

“Joshua’s? Are you staying the night?” she asked.

“No not Joshua’s, someone else from school. I might stay, I’ll text you when I find out,” Jeonghan said.

“You know, I come home after being gone and all you do is sleep and go out. Are you ever going to spend time with me? Are your friends more important than your mother?” she asked.

“No, I just want to see some friends that I don’t usually get to see,” Jeonghan said, trying to calm her down.

“I never see you anymore,” she complained.

“I’m sorry. I’ll only be gone for a night. We can hang out Sunday,” Jeonghan said.

“Fine, go hang out with your friends,” she said before turning her back to Jeonghan.

Whenever his mom left him to hang out with her new boyfriend, she always complained that Jeonghan was the one ignoring her. But he was the one who was stuck in their empty house while she was gone.

 

He left for Wonwoo’s around 8:30, he figured he’d get there by the time everyone he knew would be there. He couldn’t stand to be around people he didn’t know, making small talk.

Wonwoo’s wasn’t far from his house, just a few blocks. He felt so childish walking to a friend’s house. As if they were going to hang out in the streets and play in his backyard. Jeonghan still liked the feeling. He felt like he was growing up too fast. Applying to colleges, graduating high school, having to worry about getting a degree that would get him a job. He would take being a child again over whatever he was now. More cartoons. Less responsibility. More skinned knees. Less heartache.

He reached Wonwoo’s house and knocked on the door. It must have not been a big party because it was pretty quiet. Wonwoo greeted him, “Hey, what’s up?” and moved aside so he could come in. “We’re just hanging out in the basement.”

Jeonghan followed Wonwoo down after he closed the door behind him. And Jeonghan was right, it was a small party. Seungcheol was there, with Jihoon, and some kids he knew went to his school, but didn’t know by name. He shuffled to sit down by Seungcheol, who was exhaling smoke next to an ashtray on the floor where they were all collected in a weird formation resembling a circle.

“This is Mingyu, he’s a sophomore from the lacrosse team. I didn’t really invite him but he heard me talking about hanging out to someone else and invited himself,” Wonwoo said, pointing to Mingyu who was whining to say that’s not what happened.

“You know Seungcheol and Jihoon, and this is Junhui—Jihoon has class with him,” Wonwoo continued. “And Soonyoung, who is also in Jihoon’s grade,” he added.

Seungcheol spoke up, “I didn’t know I was going to be the oldest person here….”

“It’s fine, they’re all cool. Except Mingyu,” Wonwoo said, which made Mingyu whine again.

Jeonghan would never have guessed Mingyu was two years younger than him. He noticed the boy’s incredibly long legs and envied him. He must have been a pretty good lacrosse player, he was built for it.

Maybe he was staring at the boy too long because Seungcheol finally got Jeonghan’s attention to say, “Do you want anything to drink? Wonwoo’s brother came home from college and bought him some beer.”

“Yeah sure,” Jeonghan said, still not completely paying attention. He watched Seungcheol put the cigarette in the ashtray and got up to follow him. He didn’t want to be left to try to talk to all these new faces. He could talk to Wonwoo and Jihoon, but Seungcheol made him feel the most comfortable. He followed him while Seungcheol maneuvered around Wonwoo’s house, he kept a hand on the back of Seungcheol’s shirt to let himself be guided.

“You didn’t need to come with me. I was going to bring it back for you,” Seungcheol chuckled.

“I didn’t want you to leave me,” Jeonghan mumbled, knowing how pitiful he sounded.

They made it to the garage where Wonwoo was keeping the beer. Seungcheol pulled out a can for Jeonghan and he took it, staring absent-minded at the floor.

“Are you feeling any better?” Seungcheol asked, staying in the cold garage with Jeonghan. He had the urge to place his hand on Jeonghan’s forehead, but stopped himself.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for coming to see me,” Jeonghan said, smiling.

“It must have not been that bad of a cold then,” Seungcheol added. “Glad my presence could cure you,” he joked.

“It was never a cold in the first place, I told you,” Jeonghan huffed.

“Well as long as you’re better now,” Seungcheol said, choosing to place a hand on Jeonghan’s cheek now.

Jeonghan leaned into his touch. Maybe it was because the garage was pretty cold, he tried to absorb the heat Seungcheol was offering.

“Hey, do you like me?” Jeonghan asked.

“Why do you always ask me that?” Seungcheol replied.

“Because I’m worried you will stop,” Jeonghan said in a tone barely audible.

Seungcheol took Jeonghan’s face in both his hands now, “I will never stop liking you.”

“How can you be sure?” he said, looking up to meet Seungcheol’s gaze.

“Because I just know,” Seungcheol said, holding Jeonghan in his arms. He kissed the top of Jeonghan’s head. “C’mon, let’s go down and hang out with everyone. They’re pretty fun,” he added, pressing another kiss on Jeonghan’s cheek.

Jeonghan just nodded his head, and Seungcheol grabbed another can for himself before heading out.

They made it back to the basement where the others were playing some kind of game, some game involving drinking it looked like. The two rejoined the circle on the floor.

It didn’t take long for everyone to get buzzed, especially the younger ones. Soonyoung was telling the group some story that nobody believed when Junhui turned to Jeonghan and quietly said, “Hey, I've never seen you at my school. What’s your name again?”

“Jeonghan,” he smiled, cheeks warm.

“You know, you’re really pretty. Are you seeing anyone?” Junhui asked, slurring his words.

This is when Seungcheol started to pay attention. He interrupted them to put his arm around Jeonghan and said, “Jeonghan, sweetie, is this guy bothering you?”

Junhui said, “No we’re just talking. I asked him what grade he was in. So, Jeonghan, what grade are you in again?”

“I’m a senior,” Jeonghan told him.

“Cool. You’re almost done. That must be nice,” Junhui managed to say.

“Yeah…,” Jeonghan said. He didn’t want to think about school. About graduation. About college. “Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom. Seungcheol, can you show me where it is?” he said, getting up.

“Yea sure,” Seungcheol said, getting up quickly.

When Seungcheol showed him where the bathroom was, Jeonghan pulled him inside and closed the door behind him.

“Is everything okay?” Seungcheol asked, as the two were face to face, barely touching, in the small bathroom.

“Yeah, I just don’t wanna sit there and talk about school. I’m sick of it,” Jeonghan said. He put his hands on Seungcheol’s chest and leaned in, nearly touching their lips. “So, were you jealous of that kid, Junhui? Did you want me to tell him you were my boyfriend?” Jeonghan said with a laugh.

“What do you think?” Seungcheol asked, “Do you think I’m your boyfriend?”

“I don’t know. What makes you my boyfriend?” Jeonghan asked playfully.

“Well, I pick you up from school, even though I don’t even go to your school,” Seungcheol said, putting his hands on Jeonghan’s waist.

“Yeah, but my mom could do that. And I’m not dating her,” Jeonghan said.

“Okay then, I let you smoke all my cigarettes,” Seungcheol said, trying to bring their bodies even closer.

“Yea, fine, we could just be good friends. Friends share, ya know,” Jeonghan said, moving his hands around Seungcheol’s neck.

“Well, would good friends do this?” Seungcheol asked, giving Jeonghan a kiss on the cheek.

“My grandma does that,” Jeonghan laughed.

“How about this?” Seungcheol said, moving to press kisses below Jeonghan’s jaw.

“My grandma doesn’t do that,” Jeonghan said, inhaling sharply, a little surprised.

“I hope not,” Seungcheol chuckled. He was deepening the kisses, moving to nearly bite Jeonghan’s collarbones.

Jeonghan sighed into him, then spoke up to say, “Hey, don’t leave a mark.”

“Why, is grandma gonna get jealous?” Seungcheol mocked him, lips still on Jeonghan’s skin.

“No, my mom will kick my ass. She thinks I’m out visiting a friend,” Jeonghan said.

“Okay, I’ll make sure no one will see anything,” Seungcheol said, laughing a little. Seungcheol lifted Jeonghan onto the bathroom counter, positioning him so he could lean against the mirror behind the sink. He raised the hem of Jeonghan’s shirt so he could get access to his chest, where he continued placing open-mouth kisses.

Seungcheol was nipping at Jeonghan’s chest, in a way that Jeonghan thought would leave marks by tomorrow. He had his hands in Seungcheol’s hair, leaning his head against the mirror. Jeonghan imagined if it was Joshua who was giving him kisses. Would he enjoy this more if it was Joshua’s lips against his chest? He had to stop himself. He had to like Seungcheol. Because it wasn’t Joshua who was here to give him kisses—it was Seungcheol. Seungcheol was the one who loved him. And he would love him back.

But was Seungcheol his boyfriend? Sure they were getting into a habit of sharing more than cigarettes, but what was this? Seungcheol seemed to want more from Jeonghan, but he was unsure of putting a name to whatever they had going on. What would it mean to be boyfriends? Jeonghan would probably have to give up on Joshua, or at least, give up on telling Seungcheol his feelings for Joshua. He had liked Joshua for so long, he wouldn’t stop loving him just because he was dating some boy he met just this year. But maybe having a boyfriend who wasn’t Joshua wouldn’t be so bad. He could probably find company in Seungcheol whenever he wanted. Seungcheol would probably love spending time with Jeonghan—his new boyfriend. Maybe this was for the best.

But with every mark Seungcheol left on his skin, Jeonghan felt like he was being marked like territory. “ _Mine_.” This is probably what Seungcheol wanted all along. A pretty thing to call his own. _His_ boyfriend. Jeonghan repeated this with every mark Seungcheol made. _His._

Seungcheol moved to place his hands on Jeonghan’s belt but Jeonghan took Seungcheol’s face in his hands to bring it up to his own. He gave him a kiss and said, “Hey, not now, the others are going to wonder where we are,” Jeonghan said in between kisses. “Let’s go back and join them.”

“Okay,” Seungcheol breathed when he parted his lips from Jeonghan’s.

“You go first, and I’ll come in a lil bit—so nobody gets suspicious,” Jeonghan added.

“I don’t think that’ll fool them,” Seungcheol laughed against Jeonghan’s lips.

“C’mon,” Jeonghan said smiling.

“Fine,” Seungcheol sighed. He straightened Jeonghan’s shirt for him, ruffled his hair a little, placing his bangs to frame his face perfectly. He placed a light kiss on Jeonghan’s cheek before leaving the small bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Jeonghan sat on the counter for a little while, thinking about belonging to someone else—someone who wasn’t Joshua. Maybe this would be enough to keep Seungcheol around, to be official. If he said no, maybe Seungcheol would leave him, then who would he have? The guy downstairs seemed to be interested. He wished that his pretty face would work on Joshua. He wished Joshua would ask him if he was seeing anyone. And offer to be that someone. But Joshua probably knew Jeonghan was no good for him. Nothing but that pretty face. Not smart, not talented. Just pretty to look at. But that’s all he was good at. He would keep his hair long if it meant getting attention from others. He needed it. He didn’t care that people didn’t like his personality. He could feel wanted on his looks alone.

He hopped down from the counter, and looked at himself in the mirror for a minute. He pushed his bangs behind his ears, and turned on the sink to splash some cold water on his face. He readjusted his belt and tried to get some wrinkles out of his shirt. Then, he took a deep breath and left the room.

 

Seungcheol greeted the group first. “What took you so long? Did you get lost or something?” Wonwoo asked. There were kids laying around the room in weird positions surrounding him.

“Jeonghan wasn’t feeling so good,” Seungcheol said. “Someone had to hold his hair back,” Seungcheol added.

“He must really not handle his alcohol well, he only had like one beer,” Jihoon commented, who was of the only kids left awake with Wonwoo.

“He has also been sick for a while, so maybe that’s it,” Seungcheol continued.

“Yeah probably, I remember not seeing him Friday,” Wonwoo said.

Jeonghan entered the basement and asked, “What are you guys talking about?”

“Homework,” Seungcheol quickly responded.

“Like any of you do homework..,” Jeonghan said skeptically.

\--

Joshua had been thinking about Jeonghan since they didn’t meet up after school Thursday to do homework. And now he’s sick. Joshua wished he could help him somehow. He already brought him the soup, but Jeonghan must have already been in the care of Seungcheol whose car was already in the drive when he went to deliver it. He should have went over right after school, so he didn’t need to call Seungcheol.

Maybe he should make more soup. It never hurts to eat more soup when you’re sick.

Joshua was satisfied with himself while he walked the soup to Jeonghan’s house. It wasn’t a far walk, the soup would stay hot. Before long, he arrived on Jeonghan’s front steps and knocked on the door.

He was surprised when Jeonghan’s mom answered the door instead of her son. “Hello Joshua. It’s nice to see you,” Jeonghan’s mom said.

“Hello, I’m sorry to bother you, but can I see Jeonghan?” Joshua asked.

“No, he’s at a friend’s house. I thought maybe you would be with him,” she replied.

“Oh, no, I guess he’s with someone else…,” Joshua mumbled. “Is he feeling any better?”

“Yeah, he looked fine to me. Did he tell you he was sick or something?” she said.

“He said something like that…. But it’s good that he’s feeling better,” Joshua added. “Can you give this to him for me anyways?” Joshua asked as he handed her the soup.

“No problem,” she smiled.

“Thank you, have a nice night. Sorry I bothered you so late,” he said.

“Take care,” she said as she closed the door.

Why was Jeonghan at a friend’s house if he was sick? Was he even sick at all? Was this just an excuse to spend more time with that Seungcheol kid? Joshua knew he was bad news. He’s got Jeonghan lying and skipping school. What did Jeonghan see in that guy anyways? Seungcheol was trouble—Joshua knew from the first time he saw him. He wished Jeonghan would get over him. It was for the best.


	4. Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask him.

Joshua’s hands were everywhere.

Every touch leaving fire on his skin. He was kissing Jeonghan’s chest, kissing his neck, kissing his thighs. Kissing everywhere but Jeonghan’s lips. This was what Jeonghan wanted so badly. He loved that Joshua finally wanted him back.

Though, when he tried to reach out to touch Joshua’s face, Jeonghan realized his hands were bound. He wanted to touch Joshua like he was touching Jeonghan. To hold him. To kiss him back. But he couldn’t reach him.

When he tried to ask Joshua what was going on, he couldn’t speak. No sound left his throat.

Every touch was becoming hotter now. Leaving burns. Every fingerprint searing his skin. Lips charring where they touched.

He couldn’t stop him. Why couldn’t he touch him? He couldn’t scream out. To tell him to stop. To stop the pain.

 

Jeonghan woke up sweating, still in Wonwoo’s basement. He felt so incredibly hot. He noticed that Seungcheol was asleep on the couch with him. He had to get some air. He felt constricted. He felt too hot.

He carefully got up without stirring Seungcheol. He was looking for his phone. He didn’t remember where he left it before going to sleep. His hair was falling in his eyes, sticking to his hot face. Jeonghan grabbed one of the hair ties from his wrist and tied his hair up in a bun. Maybe he should cut it off. It was so stressful. Maybe people wouldn’t find him attractive if he cut it though. Everyone complimented him on it. Would Seungcheol still call him beautiful with short hair? He stopped himself. What did it matter what Seungcheol thought of him?

It did matter. He hated that it mattered.

He was silently searching among the other bodies in the basement. He finally found the phone under someone’s shoe. He had four text messages and two missed calls from his mom. It was 2:47 in the morning and he never told his mom that he was staying over for the night.

“ _Jeonghan, are you staying the night? Call me.”_

_“Hello?? Answer me pls.”_

_“Are you okay? Why won’t you answer your phone?”_

_“Joshua stopped by. He left you something.”_

Fuck. Why would Joshua come over? He thought he told him that he was going to be resting all night. Jeonghan hoped his mom didn’t tell him that he was out. Joshua would know he was lying. He couldn’t let Joshua know he lied to him. He couldn’t upset Joshua. He even brought Jeonghan something. He kept messing everything up. Maybe he should text him. Or would that make it worse? He had to explain himself. He couldn’t have Joshua mad at him.

He thought coming to this party was supposed to help his relationship with Seungcheol. Did it? Seungcheol was asking about being his boyfriend. He thought that meant he liked Jeonghan. Right? Why was Jeonghan so desperate for Seungcheol to like him? Why did he need his approval? Why did he want to be Seungcheol’s boyfriend? He couldn’t stand this. What was he even doing? Besides messing around. Was he in love with Seungcheol? No, he was still in love with Joshua. But Seungcheol was so comforting, so nice, so warm. Maybe he was in love with him. Maybe this is was okay. This was according to his plan anyways. But it didn’t feel good. He wasn’t supposed to actually love Seungcheol. He was supposed to love Joshua.

Jeonghan wondered what Joshua would think. If Jeonghan told him he was dating Seungcheol? Would he be mad at him? Would he be happy for him? Would he be jealous? _Jealous._

He wanted Joshua to want him. He wanted Joshua to be jealous. He would do anything for Joshua to want to be his boyfriend.

No. That was selfish. He couldn’t make Joshua date him. Joshua had a chance to be successful. He couldn’t drag him down by his own selfish desires.

Seungcheol was in love with Jeonghan. Joshua wasn’t. It was good to love Seungcheol back. They would be happy together. He wouldn’t have to need Joshua’s attention. He would have Seungcheol’s.

But maybe Joshua did like him. Maybe he wanted to be dragged down. He kept bringing Jeonghan gifts. Soup can be a gift. Soup is a gift.

Seungcheol also brought Jeonghan gifts. Seungcheol was a nice boyfriend. He loved Seungcheol.

No.

He didn’t.

He should text Joshua.

“ _Hey. Are you up?”_

It was late but it was also Saturday night. There was a chance Joshua may still be awake.

Jeonghan was trying to feel around in the dark for his shoes. Where did he leave them?

Suddenly, his phone vibrated.

“ _Yeah. Did you need something?”_

_“Can we talk?”_

_“Sure :-)”_

_“Okay, I’m gonna come over in a bit.”_

Jeonghan found his shoes by the stairs and crept up them to find out how to escape Wonwoo’s house without a sound. He carefully opened the front door, making sure to lock it on his way out.

As soon as he made it outside, the cold air made him shiver. He should have brought a jacket. He would try to grab one from his house before seeing Joshua. He followed the dimly lit sidewalks home.

He reached his house quickly and thanked his mom for leaving the door unlocked. She must have figured that he wouldn’t be staying the night. Or she just forgot to lock it before going to bed. Jeonghan quietly moved to his room and grabbed a hoodie off the floor. He silently left the house again, leaving the door unlocked so he could come back later.

The walk was short to Joshua’s house. He didn’t live far. It’s how they stayed friends all these years.

He didn’t knock on the door, he was worried he would wake his family.

“ _Here.”_

_“Outside? I’ll be right out.”_

Joshua came out shortly, quietly shutting the door behind him. He was wearing a coat and scarf, his face quickly reddening from the night air. He never handled the cold well.

“Hey. Thanks for coming,” Jeonghan said shyly. He used to be so comfortable with Joshua, but now, it seemed like he was meeting him for the first time. The familiarity was gone.

“No problem, what did you want to talk about?” he asked.

“Let’s go to the park and talk, if that’s okay?” Jeonghan whispered.

“Sure,” Joshua replied. They always hung out at the park when they were younger. As they grew older, it saw them less and less. With studying more and more time at friends’ houses, they never really got to go to the park anymore. But it reminded Jeonghan of when they were young. When Joshua spent all his days with Jeonghan. He wished that was still true. But he also didn’t. He didn’t know what he wanted.

They walked in silence until they reached the wooded area. Although it was late, the nature reserve still felt oddly comforting. Like nothing bad could happen when they were under its protection. Maybe that’s why Jeonghan wanted to talk here.

“So what’s up? Have you been feeling okay? I haven’t seen you since school Thursday,” Joshua said, concern in his voice.

“I just haven’t been feeling good lately…,” Jeonghan mumbled. He was sitting on the bench with Joshua, looking at his hands rather than his friend.

“I hope the soup has been helping. I didn’t know how sick you were,” Joshua said. “Are you warm enough in just that hoodie?”

“Thank you, I’m fine,” Jeonghan said smiling. It wasn’t a smile Joshua was used to. It was different.

Strands of Jeonghan’s hair was coming loose and falling in front of his eyes. He kept pushing it back behind his ears. It kept falling back. He was suddenly itchy. His palms sweating. Everything he was wearing was bothering him. He wanted a cigarette. He wanted to calm down.

He remembered he was wearing Seungcheol’s hoodie. It smelled like smoke. And Seungcheol.

“What did you want to talk about?” Joshua asked innocently.

Jeonghan wanted to tell him everything. He wanted to tell him that school was stressing him out. That his relationship with his mom was deteriorating. That he was messing things up with Seungcheol. That he wanted him so badly.

“Do you know where you’re going to apply to for college?” Jeonghan asked. That’s not what he really wanted to know. But it was one of the problems.

“No, not yet. It’s still early and I haven’t decided. Why?” he replied.

“I don’t know….I don’t know where I’ll go….If I go,” Jeonghan mumbled.

Joshua was about to say something like “ _Of course you can go. You can get into a nice school,”_ when Jeonghan added, “Will you leave me behind?”

Joshua was taken aback. What did Jeonghan mean? He didn’t know what to say. Where was this coming from?

“Hey, I would never leave you,” Joshua said. He instinctively took Jeonghan in his arms from where he was sitting next to him. He was rubbing his back, as if he was comforting someone who was crying. Maybe he wanted to. “Why do you think I’m leaving you?”

“…Because maybe you should,” Jeonghan whispered. He tried to keep it under his breath, but he let Joshua hear it, even though it was barely audible.

“Don’t say that,” Joshua said. He took Jeonghan in outstretched arms so he could look at his face. “Why are you saying all these weird things?”

Jeonghan wouldn’t look at him. He was focused on the ground behind him. He couldn’t look at Joshua’s face. He didn’t know what he would do. Cry maybe?

“Hey,” Joshua whispered when he moved Jeonghan closer by the grip on his shoulders. “We’ve been friends forever. And that won’t change when we graduate. We can still be together after high school.”

_Friends._

Like glass shattering. Like glass piercing his skin. His heart. Why did it hurt so much? This was good. He couldn’t have Joshua think anything more than that. He couldn’t bring Joshua down with him. It still hurt though.

_Don’t ask. Don’t do it._

“Joshua,” Jeonghan started. “Do you like me?”

_No._

Joshua quickly answered, “Of course. You’re my best friend.”

_Don’t ask him._

“No, do you like me?” Jeonghan asked.

Joshua realized what he was getting at. He didn’t know what to say. He thought Jeonghan liked that Seungcheol guy. Were they just friends? Did Jeonghan want to be more than friends? Why was he acting so weird lately?

“I- I don’t know,” Joshua stammered nervously. He noticed Jeonghan’s reaction immediately change. He watched Jeonghan’s face fall. He didn’t want to hurt him. But did he like him? Did Jeonghan like him? How long has Joshua been so ignorant of his friend’s feelings?

“That’s okay,” Jeonghan said. His expression was now unreadable.

Had Joshua said the right thing? How could he? He didn’t really say anything. He didn’t want to hurt Jeonghan’s feelings. Would lying hurt him more?

He didn’t want to say no. He couldn’t really say yes. He had never really thought about it. He thought they were just friends. He didn’t want to lose Jeonghan by saying the wrong thing. He couldn’t lose their friendship. What did Jeonghan think? Did he like him? Why else would he ask?

_Why did you ask?_

_You knew this already._

“Look, you’re freezing,” Jeonghan said, touching Joshua’s hands. “Let’s go back home.”

Joshua just nodded. He was deep in thought the whole walk home. Replaying what Jeonghan had said. Thinking about their relationship. Repeating memories in his head. Deciphering their meaning. Every smile. Every laugh.

Suddenly, they were already at Joshua’s house. Jeonghan said, “Thanks for talking with me, see you Monday.” He wrapped his arms around Joshua for a hug. Joshua was frozen. Well, from Jeonghan’s words and from the cold.

He was suddenly over-analyzing every little move Jeonghan made. Examining every movement of his eyes, everywhere he moved his hands. Things were different now. Every word he spoke now had some sort of meaning Joshua couldn’t figure out.

And then, Jeonghan was gone. Joshua couldn’t move. What was he going to do?

\--

He was back with Seungcheol now. He belonged with Seungcheol. They were in love.

Everything smelled like cigarette smoke. There was smoke in the air. Smoke on Seungcheol’s lips. Jeonghan craved it. He needed it.

He was touching his face from his spot on Seungcheol’s lap. Peppering his jaw with feather-light kisses. Seungcheol was the one he needed. He loved Seungcheol. He wanted to be with Seungcheol. But when he touched him, he didn’t touch Jeonghan back. He usually loved having his hands all over Jeonghan. Didn’t Seungcheol want this?

Jeonghan was trying to move Seungcheol’s hands on his body. Why didn’t he want him back? Why wasn’t he touching him? What was wrong?

“ _Please,”_ Jeonghan heard. It was his voice. But the word didn’t leave his lips.

“ _Stay.”_

_“Don’t go.”_

These words weren’t his. Why did they use his voice? It sounded so needy.

“ _Don’t leave me.”_

_“Do you like me?”_

Jeonghan wished they would stop.

Seungcheol was ignoring him. He wouldn’t touch him. Did he hear the voices too? Was it bothering him? Jeonghan wanted to tell him that wasn’t him. That it was okay. Those voices weren’t his.

Jeonghan craved his touch. Seungcheol was always touching him. Why not now? He needed it now. Why didn’t Seungcheol want him?

Say something.

Tell me you want me.

Tell me you need me.

Tell me you need this.

Touch me.

Love me.

When Jeonghan tried to kiss Seungcheol, he felt cold. He wasn’t moving into Jeonghan. His skin was painful to touch. It was icy. Jeonghan’s fingertips were sticking to it. Burning him. Not letting him forget the pain.

 

Jeonghan woke up gasping, hair sticking to his face. He felt warm. He was sweating even though he wasn’t even under blankets. He peeled off the hoodie he was wearing and threw it in the corner of the room. He was still wearing his jeans too. His eyes felt weird, dry almost. Like he had been crying.

Then he remembered last night. “ _I don’t know.”_

He shouldn’t have talked to Joshua last night. It was a mistake. It was better to pretend.

He didn’t say no though. There was a chance.

Anything that wasn’t “yes” wasn’t what Jeonghan needed to hear though.

Maybe he should talk to Seungcheol. Seungcheol loved him. Didn’t he?

It didn’t matter. He was good at pretending. Just like Jeonghan.

Maybe he should just leave him alone. Seungcheol was too nice. Too good for Jeonghan. Jeonghan couldn’t keep doing this to him.

He should just be alone.

 

After falling asleep again, Jeonghan woke up to his phone buzzing.

“ _Hey when did you leave last night? I missed you”_ From Seungcheol.

He stared at his phone screen for a while. _I missed you._

What did Seungcheol think of him? What did he want from him? Why didn’t it make Jeonghan feel good to be missed? He wanted this. He wanted to be liked. Why was Seungcheol’s affection making him feel worse?

Jeonghan threw his phone in his bed and covered himself with the blankets and tried to fall back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone wanted more words  
> here they are
> 
> (sad words)  
> (maybe gay words)  
> (but words indeed)


	5. Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeonghan amazes himself by how much worse he can make things.

Jeonghan met Joshua at the corner of their block so they could walk to school together. Like they always did. It was different now though. A lot of things were different now.

“Hey Jeonghan,” Joshua smiled. He was a morning person.

“Hey,” Jeonghan mumbled. He’d been awake for about 10 minutes and wasn’t even sure his eyes were open yet.

During their walk, Joshua turned to Jeonghan and said, “Hey, about what you said Saturday night....”

“Yeah, I thought about it and I’ll probably just apply to the community college near-by. I’m pretty sure they’ll take me even with my grades, and it’s close to home so I can just commute,” Jeonghan said.

“Jeonghan, that’s not what I meant,” Joshua said with a serious expression. “I wanted to talk about what you asked me,” he continued.

“I don’t,” Jeonghan said, harshly cutting him off. “I wasn’t thinking straight Saturday night. I was on too much cold medicine. I didn’t mean anything I said.”

Joshua stared at him, a little surprised. He just nodded and continued their walk, not saying anything else.

 

When Jeonghan got to math class, Wonwoo asked him, “Hey, what time did you leave Saturday? Nobody heard you get up.”

“Oh, my mom called and told me I had to go home,” Jeonghan replied.  “It’s no big deal,” Jeonghan added with a smile. “Sorry I had to leave without saying anything.”

“I was worried when I woke up and didn’t see you. Seungcheol was scared something happened,” Wonwoo continued.

“Sorry to worry you guys,” Jeonghan said.

“Anyways, are you ready for this test? I studied but I still don’t get it…,” Wonwoo said, looking over his notes one last time.

“There’s a test?” Jeonghan asked.

“Good luck, man,” Wonwoo chuckled, not looking away from his notes.

“It probably wouldn’t matter if I studied anyways. I don’t even remember what we talked about last week. None of this stuff makes any sense….”

“I should have been partnered with someone who’s good at math. It’s useless to cheat off of you,” Wonwoo said.

“But I’ve been cheating off of you,” Jeonghan joked.

 

During his last class, Jeonghan received a text from Seungcheol. “ _Did you need a ride today? :)”_

“ _Joshua asked to walk home together and I already told him yes. Sorry.”_

_“No problem. Some other time then?”_

_“Yeah”_

 

After school, Joshua found Jeonghan at his locker grabbing his books to take home. “Are you ready to go?” Joshua asked.

“Oh, sorry, I was going to get a ride home from Seungcheol today. You can go ahead without me,” Jeonghan said.

“Oh, okay. Did you still want to come over after? I can look over that essay that’s due Friday,” Joshua said.

“Yeah maybe. I haven’t really started that though. So I don’t have anything for you to help with yet,” Jeonghan explained.

“Well, just let me know, okay?” Joshua smiled. “I’ll see you later then,” he said with a wave.

Jeonghan waited for Joshua to leave and closed his locker. He left the school and started walking in the direction of the convenience store near-by.

He bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and sat outside the store to open the box and light the first one. As soon as he exhaled the smoke, he felt instantly better. It was weird though, they were the first cigarettes that weren’t Seungcheol’s. He even bought the kind Seungcheol smoked. He didn’t know what else to buy. They smelled like Seungcheol. Or rather, Seungcheol smelled like these. With every drag, he was reminded of Seungcheol, being with Seungcheol, Seungcheol’s kisses.

He smashed the butt of the cigarette on the ground.

\--

Jeonghan went the whole week trying to avoid Joshua. He was also avoiding Seungcheol, but that wasn’t really on purpose. Since they didn’t go to the same school, it was easy to avoid him. But Joshua must have noticed because Friday he found Jeonghan at his locker after school and made sure he got the chance to talk to him.

“Hey, are you doing anything this weekend? I feel like we haven’t hung out in a while,” Joshua said. He knew why they hadn’t been hanging out. Neither of them brought it up though.

“I was thinking of going to this party. I know some friends of the guy who’s throwing it,” Jeonghan replied without taking his eyes off the contents of his locker, scrutinizing the spine of his biology book.

“Oh, can I come with you?” Jeonghan’s eyes widened in disbelief. He knew Joshua hated parties. He thought saying he was going would get Joshua off his back. Why did he want to go?

“Sure, it’s tonight at like 10. Will your mom let you go out that late?” Jeonghan asked, hoping Joshua wouldn’t be able to make it.

“Yeah, it’ll be fine. I’ll just tell her I’m with you,” Joshua said smiling.

“I’m sure she’ll love that,” Jeonghan replied.

“C’mon, she likes you. I don’t know why you don’t think so,” Joshua said.

“She probably does, you’re right,” Jeonghan said, closing his locker. “So do you want to meet me there? I think I’m gonna head over a little early to meet some guys. I can give you the address. It’s not far,” Jeonghan said, still avoiding eye contact.

“Yeah, that sounds cool,” Joshua said. Nothing seemed to faze him. Maybe he was better at lying than Jeonghan was. “Did you still want to walk home together? I can skip the service club today.”

“No, I think I’m getting a ride anyways,” Jeonghan said.

“Okay, see you tonight,” he said before waving to Jeonghan and heading back down the halls.

Jeonghan couldn’t believe he was gonna get the treasurer of the service club to go to a rager with him. Well, he did leave out the fact that it was a rager. But what Joshua didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, until later tonight.

 

When Seungcheol pulled up to Jeonghan’s house, Jeonghan slipped into the backseat, since Wonwoo was riding shotgun, and said, “So… I kind of invited Joshua tonight.”

“Joshua? That weird bible study kid? How did you even get him to agree to come tonight? I wouldn’t think he’d be into this stuff,” Wonwoo asked.

“Yeah the weird bible study kid is my friend from like elementary school, and I kind of just said it was a party. I didn’t mention what was going to happen at said party,” Jeonghan said quietly, fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt. “Like maybe he’ll think it’s a birthday party and bring a card,” Jeonghan tried to joke.

“Well, I’m excited. I never get to see Josh,” Seungcheol said as he turned his car back on, which took two tries. Jeonghan told him that he wasn’t allowed to park in the driveway anymore because Jeonghan’s mom got angry when she saw the puddle of whatever his car was leaking from the previous times he had come over.

“So he knows Josh too? Are you all in bible study together?” Wonwoo laughed.

“He’s pretty cool,” Seungcheol said. “Like I bet he’s really fun drunk.”

“I’m sure he’s not going to drink,” Jeonghan added.

“And you were also sure he wouldn’t want to come, right?” Wonwoo asked smugly.

“He can be our designated driver then,” Seungcheol said.

“…He doesn’t know how to drive,” Jeonghan sighed.

“I’m not sure anyone could drive this piece of shit besides you anyways,” Wonwoo added.

 

The three arrived at the party around 9:30 where they immediately found the table with drinks.

Seungcheol kept a hand on the small of Jeonghan’s back whenever they were talking with someone. Jeonghan couldn’t stop thinking about Joshua though. He kept wondering if he would really show up or not. But at exactly 10 he got a text from Joshua that read, “ _I’m here :-) where are u?”_

He told Seungcheol he’d be back in a minute and maneuvered around the house until he found Joshua in the doorway looking lost.

At this point, Jeonghan had been nursing a cup filled with some mixture of alcohol he couldn’t name and was feeling a little light-headed. He said, “You made it! I thought you would bail.”

“I told you I wanted to hang out,” Joshua said nervously as he scanned the house.

“I really wanted to see you, it’s been so long since we hung out properly,” Jeonghan smiled.

Joshua wondered if Jeonghan had been drinking. It was the first time Jeonghan had smiled like that in a while.

“C’mon, I’ll get you something to drink,” Jeonghan said, grabbing Joshua’s hand and leading him through the house.

When Jeonghan handed him a cup of red liquid, Joshua asked, “This doesn’t have alcohol in it, does it?”

“It’s just punch. Like special punch. They call it ‘jungle juice.’ Like tropical punch, ya know?” Jeonghan told him.

“Okay,” Joshua said, taking a small sip.

And it didn’t take long before it hit Joshua. When the two were hanging out with Wonwoo and Seungcheol in the basement, Joshua suddenly didn’t care that he was hanging out in some stranger’s dirty house with two kids he usually didn’t like to associate with. Or rather, his mom didn’t like him to associate with. She always told him to stay away from those kids who aren’t on the honor roll and spend their time smoking outside the school instead of studying—which also included his best friend, Jeonghan. What was so bad about Seungcheol anyways? He seemed nice. Why did his mom make such a fuss about stuff like that?

Jeonghan had already brought him another cup of “punch” and he was leaning on Jeonghan’s shoulder to sit up straight on the couch. He suddenly thought Wonwoo’s jokes were funny and that Seungcheol was his best friend. He would remind himself to hang out with these guys more often.

“Hey, Joshua, let’s go somewhere,” Jeonghan said in a half whisper, half laugh against the shell of Joshua’s ear.

He just nodded in response and the two got up and head upstairs, which Seungcheol didn’t fail to take notice of. He didn’t want to say he was jealous, but what was Joshua doing here anyways? He wanted to be the one Jeonghan was clinging to.

_Don’t get jealous._

_He never liked you anyways._

_You knew that._

_Didn’t you?_

Seungcheol got up from the couch and told Wonwoo he had to go to the bathroom. He headed out the back door to open a pack of cigarettes on the deck. The cigarettes he usually shared with Jeonghan. The cigarettes Jeonghan didn’t want Joshua to know he smoked. Did Jeonghan not want Joshua to know about him either? Was their relationship a secret from him?

 

Jeonghan found a closed door and knocked on it. When he didn’t hear a response he opened it carefully, making sure he wasn’t intruding on anyone else. He poked his head in, and saw it was an empty bathroom. He led Joshua in and closed the door behind him.

Joshua used the sink as a support until Jeonghan came back to him and rested his hands on his hips.

“I’m so glad you decided to come. I really did miss hanging out with you,” Jeonghan said, looking at where his hands were holding Joshua.

“This is fun,” Joshua slurred. “I don’t know why I don’t go to these more often.”

“I’m having fun too,” Jeonghan smiled. “I missed hanging out with you.”

“I missed you too,” Joshua replied.

He used the grip he had on Joshua’s sides to direct him to sit on the side of the tub. He positioned himself on his knees in front of Joshua and sat there for a long moment before moving to press a kiss to his lips.

Joshua didn’t pull away, which Jeonghan thought was a good sign. Maybe he really did like Jeonghan. Maybe he thought about it since last week. He did say he missed him. Maybe that’s why he wanted to come to the party. To tell Jeonghan he liked him.

Jeonghan turned his head so he could deepen their kiss. It was sloppy and a little rushed. Jeonghan was nervous to finally do this was Joshua. He had thought about it for years. About what it would be like. How soft Joshua’s lips would be. How warm he would be.

He moved to press open-mouth kisses on his neck, while his hands snuck under Joshua’s shirt. He moved his lips from Joshua’s neck to say, “Hey, what did you think about what I asked you last week?” But when he looked up at Joshua’s face, his eyes were closed and mouth slightly parted.

He fucking passed out. Jeonghan thought he had to be about the worst kisser in existence to have Joshua pass out on him but he simply pressed a kiss to his forehead and gently moved Joshua so he was sitting upright in the bathtub. He figured he would be safe there until he woke up. And he’d probably need to throw up anyways.

When he made sure Joshua would be okay in the bathtub, he quietly opened the door and slipped out, closing it behind him. He hoped no one would mess with him until he came back.

He just stood against the door for a moment. Thinking about what a dumb mistake it was to invite Joshua here. What a mistake it was to try to kiss him.

He went back downstairs to find some Gatorade and got himself a cup. He also found Wonwoo again, sans Seungcheol.

“Where’s Josh?” Wonwoo asked.

“He passed out,” Jeonghan said, looking around the room, “Where’s Seungcheol?”

“I don’t know. He said he’d be right back, but I haven’t seen him for a bit. But holy shit, is Josh okay? How much did he have to drink?” Wonwoo asked, but his laughing made it seem like he was less worried for the boy and more mocking his ability to hold his liquor.

“He only had a cup and a half of jungle juice. I shoulda figured he’d be a lightweight,” Jeonghan said.

“You’d think he’d handle his alcohol a little better since he probably has all that wine at church,” Wonwoo added.

“I’m gonna look for Seungcheol, can you go make sure that nobody goes in the bathroom upstairs?” Jeonghan asked.

“Yeah sure,” Wonwoo replied.

Jeonghan looked all over for Seungcheol and didn’t spot him anywhere. Maybe he was in a room with someone. He couldn’t have left already. But he couldn’t drive. Unless he walked home. Maybe he should text him. He didn’t want to bother him if he was with someone though. He gave up and went back to where he left Joshua. He just felt like he needed to see Seungcheol. There was something about being rejected (again) that made him really need attention.

Wonwoo was by the door, guarding it just as Jeonghan asked. Jeonghan thanked him and then slipped inside, Gatorade in hand.

“Hey, Joshua, wake up please,” Jeonghan said, hand caressing Joshua’s cheek.

Joshua just groaned in response. Jeonghan thought, “ _Good, he isn’t dead.”_

“C’mon buddy, wake up. I brought you some juice,” Jeonghan said, starting to pat his face hoping it would wake him up.

“N..no m…more  juice,” Joshua mumbled.

“This is good juice. C’mon drink it,” Jeonghan said as he tried to get Joshua to sit up from where he had slid down the tub wall. He put the cup up to Joshua’s mouth and when he regained a little bit of consciousness, he took a sip. Immediately after, he moved over to the toilet to throw up. Jeonghan patted his back and said, “Let it out buddy.”

When Joshua had finally stopped puking, Jeonghan helped him out of the bathroom so they could leave. Jeonghan started the walk back to his house because he figured there wasn’t any way they were going to get a ride in Seungcheol’s car.

Jeonghan knew Joshua’s mom would kill him if he brought her son back in this state so he just took him to his house, knowing his own mom wouldn’t care. He unlocked his front door and brought Joshua’s tired body inside with him. He shoved him in his bedroom and let him collapse on his bed. It didn’t take long for Joshua to pass out again, the poor kid, so Jeonghan took off his shoes for him, positioned him on his side, and pulled the covers up to his neck. He took off his own shoes and jeans and got in the bed as well. It was a big enough bed that they could each comfortably sleep in it without bothering each other. He was thankful to finally be back home and in his own bed. He didn’t expect Joshua to be there passed out next to him. Jeonghan had always hoped Joshua would be in his bed with him—not passed out though. He was really striking out with Joshua lately.

He remembered that he didn’t get to meet up with Seungcheol either. Why did he even invite Joshua to that party anyways? He could have just hung out with Seungcheol. Especially after Joshua rejected him. Why did he think he could make this work? He wished he would give up on Joshua already. But he knew he couldn’t. Selfish.

 

Joshua woke up at around 9 a.m. and rushed to Jeonghan’s bathroom to throw up once again. Jeonghan was happy that he didn’t puke in his bed, but leave it to Joshua to wake up at fucking 9 in the morning. Even hung over, this kid had an incredible internal clock.

Jeonghan was trying to cover his eyes from the sunlight that was seeping in through his blinds. His head was pounding and it was too early for this. He sat up in his bed, staring at the wall for a while until he grabbed some sweatpants off the ground and a new shirt from his closet.

He found Joshua in the bathroom, sitting on the floor. “What happened last night?”

“You had some juice and passed out,” Jeonghan said.

“What kind of juice? I feel horrible. Was it poisoned?” Joshua asked, not even in a sarcastic way, but in the way that a kid would legitimately think someone would poison the juice supply at a party.

“I guess it was some bad juice. I feel pretty bad too, but I only had a little,” Jeonghan said, leaning against the door frame.

“I don’t even remember anything from last night. How did we get back here?” Joshua asked, getting up from the floor.

“Seungcheol noticed you weren’t feeling well and drove us home. I wanted to make sure you were okay, so you stayed here for the night.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re okay. Let’s not go to that guy’s house anymore. We don’t want any more of that expired juice,” Joshua said and Jeonghan was amazed someone could think there were evil people out there who would feed party-goers bad juice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who was hoping this would get worse??  
> nobody???
> 
> just me??
> 
> alright


	6. Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not working.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u dont like unhealthy relationships or fighting be cautious reading this

After Jeonghan was able to get Joshua safely home, he curled back into bed to try to get some sleep.

He laid there for what felt like hours without being able to fall asleep. He thought about if what he was doing was a mistake. But he felt like if he kept trying, Joshua would like him. He wanted Joshua to tell him at the party, when they were alone, that he liked him. Why didn’t he tell him? Maybe he really didn’t like him.

Maybe Jeonghan should just give up and be with Seungcheol. Seungcheol actually liked him. He didn’t have to try to get Seungcheol to like him. But it just wasn’t the same with Seungcheol. Jeonghan knew Joshua almost his entire life. He knew that Joshua had to sleep with socks on because his feet always got cold at night. He knew that Joshua got bad allergies at the change of every season. He knew that Joshua hated the crust on bread. He knew Joshua did the best in science and math—Jeonghan’s worst subjects. He knew Joshua had a grandmother who he was close with and visited every summer.

What did he know about Seungcheol? He knew that he had a shitty car and a smoking habit. But he also knew that Seungcheol was warm and strong. And that he felt protected in Seungcheol’s arms. He knew that Seungcheol would drop everything if Jeonghan told him he needed him. He knew Seungcheol made him feel safe. And wanted. And loved. He made Jeonghan feel what Joshua couldn’t.

He finally got fed up and searched for his phone.

“ _Hey”_

_“What’s up?”_

_“Do you want to hang out?”_

_“Sure. When?”_

_“Now.”_

_“Should I pick you up?”_

_“Yeah. I’m home”_

_“Be there soon”_

 

Jeonghan was waiting on the corner when Seungcheol arrived.

“Hey, what’s up?” Seungcheol asked when Jeonghan closed the door behind him.

“Nothing much, I just wanted to hang out,” Jeonghan said. “I missed you. You left that party without telling me.”

“Sorry, something came up,” Seungcheol said. “What do you wanna do? Wanna come over?”

“Can we go somewhere else first? I want to take you somewhere,” Jeonghan said.

Seungcheol agreed and drove to where Jeonghan directed him.

 

Seungcheol pulled into the gravel parking lot of what looked like a nature reserve.

“What’s this? A park?” Seungcheol asked.

“Yeah, I used to come here a lot when I was younger,” Jeonghan replied as he was already opening the door.

Seungcheol just followed him as Jeonghan walked a path leading into the woods. Jeonghan walked for a while, not speaking to Seungcheol, just walking further and further into the woods.

He finally reached a small picnic table after what felt like 15 minutes of walking. He sat down and motioned for Seungcheol to join him.

“So, you used to come here a lot?” Seungcheol asked, sitting across from Jeonghan. He took a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket and lit one.

“Yeah, me and Joshua used to play here a lot,” Jeonghan said, staring not at Seungcheol, but through him.

“Why’d you want to come here now?” Seungcheol asked, exhaling smoke. He handed the cigarette to Jeonghan.

“I don’t know. I like it here. I have good memories here,” Jeonghan continued, inhaling.

“Good memories…with Joshua?” Seungcheol asked. He didn’t want to sound jealous or annoyed, but he did anyways.

“Yeah I guess, but I have good memories without him too. I used to come here by myself when I didn’t want to go home,” Jeonghan said, exhaling.

Seungcheol really didn’t know anything about Jeonghan. He didn’t know anything about his home-life. He didn’t know why he never wanted to be at his house. Why didn’t he know anything? Jeonghan tells him so much and yet he never tells him anything.

“Well, what happened last night? What happened with you and Josh at that party? I saw you leave together,” Seungcheol asked. He didn’t mean to. But he was so focused on knowing about Jeonghan’s relationship with Joshua. He had to know that Jeonghan was his—not Joshua’s. Even though Jeonghan was always talking about Joshua. About him and Joshua having memories together. What memories did he have with Jeonghan? It was so hard to compete with Joshua. He just wanted to have something for once in his life. He couldn’t keep losing people.

“Joshua passed out in the tub,” Jeonghan said.

“Really? I’m mad I missed that,” Seungcheol laughed.

“It wasn’t much. He puked a lot and then I took him home. Who woulda guessed he wouldn’t be fun at parties?” Jeonghan said with a little laugh. “Oh, and Joshua doesn’t like me. In case you were wondering. He rejected me last weekend,” he said exhaling smoke with a blank expression.

 “Oh,” Seungcheol said. Did it upset him that Jeonghan was out with Joshua last weekend too? Is that why he left Wonwoo’s without telling him? Why was he relieved that Joshua didn’t like Jeonghan? He was selfish. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?” Was Seungcheol even more upset when he realized he was competing for Jeonghan with a guy who didn’t even like him back? And he was losing.

“Yeah it’s fine. I kinda knew anyways,” Jeonghan said while passing the cigarette back to Seungcheol. “You like me right? You won’t let me die alone?” he said, trying to pass the comment off as a joke which neither of them laughed at.

“Of course I like you,” Seungcheol said as he reached out to move Jeonghan’s hair behind his ear. 

“Thank you,” Jeonghan said, smiling. He needed Seungcheol. He really had no chance with Joshua and it felt like Seungcheol was the only person who liked him. Even when Jeonghan pushed him away by hanging out with Joshua, Seungcheol still liked him. Jeonghan wanted to give up on Joshua. All it did was hurt him. Seungcheol wanted to actually be with Jeonghan. Why was he hurting Seungcheol?

But he kept finding himself thinking about Joshua. “ _I don’t know.”_ Why did it upset him so much to be rejected when he knew Joshua didn’t like him? Why was he so foolish to think that Joshua might have said ‘yes?’ Why did he kiss him at that party? He was glad it didn’t seem like Joshua remembered anything, but he probably remembered rejecting him.

“Hey, do you want to get out of here?” Seungcheol said, he noticed Jeonghan was deep in thought, the cigarette burning between his fingers.

“Yeah, sure,” Jeonghan replied blankly. He put the cigarette out on the ground, stepping on it.

They walked back to where Seungcheol parked in silence.

“Where do you want to go?” Seungcheol asked when he was back behind the wheel.

“I don’t know. Why don’t we just stay here?” Jeonghan asked.

“What are we going to do here?” Seungcheol replied.

Jeonghan leaned over to press a kiss on Seungcheol’s lips.

“Okay, we could do that,” Seungcheol laughed.

Jeonghan wanted to be with someone. Someone who could tell him that they liked him. He wanted to kiss someone who would kiss him back. He didn’t want to feel alone, to feel unwanted.

Jeonghan grabbed Seungcheol’s hand and put on his waist. He wanted to know Seungcheol liked him. He had to be shown someone liked him.

And of course Seungcheol reciprocated his kisses, his touch. Seungcheol wanted to be close to Jeonghan. He wanted to show that he liked him. That he was better than Joshua. That he actually loved Jeonghan. He wouldn’t hurt Jeonghan. He wouldn’t hurt Jeonghan like Joshua did.

Jeonghan was half in Seungcheol’s lap and his own seat. It was uncomfortable but he was desperate for attention. He felt so lonely lately. It really didn’t seem like he had a chance with Joshua. He had to make sure someone would love him.

But Jeonghan kept thinking about kissing Joshua. He thought about last night. He thought about if it was Joshua who would hold him. Why did Jeonghan still want him?

He didn’t even notice when tears escaped the corners of his eyes. He moved away from Seungcheol and wiped them away with the back of his hand, which Seungcheol didn’t fail to notice.

“Hey, I’m sorry. What’s wrong? I’m sorry,” Seungcheol said as he moved his hands to cup Jeonghan’s face. Jeonghan was so fragile. He was made of glass and kept shattering every time Seungcheol touched him. Why couldn’t he protect him? Why was he always hurting him?

“I-I don’t know,” Jeonghan said, moving back to the passenger seat.

“We don’t have to do this,” he was tripping over his own words as they were coming out too fast. He didn’t want to hurt Jeonghan. He had to protect him.

“It’s not you,” Jeonghan said, “I- I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He turned to meet Seungcheol’s worried eyes with his own, “I’m sorry.”

After a pause, Jeonghan started to say, “I kissed Joshua last night,” without looking at Seungcheol, and regretted saying it immediately. Why did he say it?

Seungcheol felt cold. Why did he think he was special to Jeonghan? He knew from the beginning that Jeonghan was never his. But didn’t Jeonghan care about Seungcheol at all? After all this and he was still trying to get Joshua. He even said Joshua already rejected him. Why would he kiss him last night? He thought Jeonghan wanted to be with him? After last weekend, it seemed like they could be together. Why was Jeonghan kissing Joshua at that party? Why not him?

“I just don’t know why,” Jeonghan continued, “I don’t know why I think I can make it work.” He paused. “I don’t know why I’m so convinced he’s going to like me back.” Jeonghan was staring at his own hands. “It’s like…when you take a test and you know you failed it, but…you just hope that there’s a chance that maybe you did well, maybe you actually aced it. You know you didn’t. But there’s that hope that maybe you did well.”

Seungcheol understood. Because he always hoped Jeonghan was going to like him back one day. He hoped Jeonghan would stop worrying about Joshua. And actually like him back.

“Jeonghan, this isn’t fair. You can’t keep doing this to me,” Seungcheol said. “You can’t keep making plans like this and push me away.”

Jeonghan froze. “This isn’t fair to who?” It came out sharp. Cold.

“You know I love you,” Seungcheol said.

“That isn’t my fault,” Jeonghan mumbled. “You knew. I told you before.”

“You know damn well it is your fault! How can you flirt with me and kiss me but still turn around and like Joshua?! Don’t do this to me!” Seungcheol shouted.

Jeonghan flinched.

“I’m sorry,” Jeonghan finally turned to Seungcheol. “I’m sorry I keep doing this. I’m gonna go.” He opened the door and got out. He didn’t even slam the door behind him. That was the worst part. Knowing that he wasn’t even as upset as Seungcheol was. That fighting with Seungcheol wasn’t even a big deal to him. Only Seungcheol was torn up about it.

Seungcheol just sat there. Thinking about everything he did wrong. About how he wanted to stop Jeonghan. But he knew Jeonghan didn’t want to be there. He just slunk down in his seat, staring out the window. He decided to grab his phone and do what he did best—see Jihoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it gets worse?  
> who knows
> 
> let me know which pair ur rooting for so i can use to write more  
> bc i dont actually know what im doing lmao
> 
> edit: well u guys said a lot of diff things so   
> gimme some time to work some miracles   
> ty everyone who reads and leaves kudos and whatnot  
> <3


	7. Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol goes to Jihoon for advice.

“So what’s up?” Jihoon asked from his spot in his desk chair.

“I just wanted to see you,” Seungcheol replied, choosing to sit on the edge of his bed. He busied himself with looking around Jihoon's room, trying to read the awards scattered across his walls.

“We saw each other yesterday at school. What do you really want?” Jihoon said curtly.

“I’m…confused,” Seungcheol sighed. He looked over at Jihoon who was staring at him with a piercing gaze, signaling for him to continue. “I told Jeonghan I liked him, ya know. I thought he liked me back. I thought we were together…,” Seungcheol was playing with the frayed tear in his jeans, eyes focused on it instead of Jihoon. “But, he tells me today that he kissed Joshua and wants to be with Joshua. He’s been obsessed with this guy for years even though Jeonghan told me he doesn’t like him back. I don’t understand why he’s wasting his time. Like, I told him I wanted to be with him. Why doesn’t he want to be with me?”

“Look,” Jihoon started, “Your love, however well-intentioned, is not going to magically make him get over his crush. He is allowed to be in love with someone else.”

“But I love him more than that other guy? Why doesn’t he see that?” Seungcheol protested.

“He doesn’t owe you anything. He will never have to love you just because you want him to. Understand that,” Jihoon responded, raising his voice a little.

“But…I really love him. Joshua doesn’t. He should see that,” Seungcheol said.

“What do you even know about him?” Jihoon asked.

“I know that he’s pretty and he smells good,” Seungcheol said pitifully, still not looking at Jihoon.

“Okay, here’s what you do, you go to an art museum, look at the paintings. Then you ask what shampoo he uses, and you leave Jeonghan alone,” Jihoon replied. 

Seungcheol was quiet. He was sure he loved Jeonghan. There was more to it than Jihoon was understanding. There had to be.

Jihoon sighed. “I know you have this thing where you want to be with someone all the time, but do you really even like Jeonghan? Or do you just like the idea of being in love with someone?”

Seungcheol was sure he liked Jeonghan. How could he not? It wasn’t as simple as Jihoon thought. He didn’t know their relationship. Why was he even asking for advice from someone who hated relationships?

Seungcheol’s phone vibrated. New text from Jeonghan. “ _I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Please can you come back?”_

 

Jeonghan had spent the entire walk home from the park wiping tears from the corners of his eyes. Why would Seungcheol yell at him? It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t like Seungcheol back. He told Seungcheol from the beginning he liked Joshua. He knew all along. Why did Seungcheol feel so entitled?

When Jeonghan got home, he felt horrible. He still smelled like alcohol from the night before. He decided taking a hot shower would clear his mind. But under the hot water he had more time to think. To think about Seungcheol. About maybe if he was right. Maybe Jeonghan was being rude. Maybe Jeonghan was wrong. How could he be? It wasn’t his fault Seungcheol liked him so much.

Jeonghan sat on the edge of his bed and dried his hair with a towel. He was wrong. Why did he fight with Seungcheol? He _did_ owe Seungcheol. He shouldn’t have played with his emotions like that. Seungcheol loved him and Jeonghan was being so horrible to him. Nobody else loved him. Joshua didn’t love him. He needed Seungcheol to love him. He couldn’t drive him away. If he didn’t have Seungcheol, he would be all alone. Why did he fight with him? He always messed things up.

He decided to make it right. He threw the towel on the floor and found his phone. “ _I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Please can you come back?”_

When he didn’t receive a reply, he texted again, _“I want to talk. Please come over.”_

 

Seungcheol stared at his phone for a while. He really wanted to make things right with Jeonghan. He wanted to apologize for yelling at him. He wanted to say sorry.

He looked back up at Jihoon and said, “Hey, I gotta go home and see my mom. She wants me to help her with something.”

“Yeah sure, just think about what I said, okay?” Jihoon replied.

“Yeah of course,” Seungcheol said as he left.

“You deserve to love someone who loves you back,” Jihoon added when Seungcheol passed through the doorway. He stopped for a moment, but continued out the door.

“ _I’m on my way.”_

It wasn’t long before Jeonghan was startled by a knock on the front door. He rushed to greet Seungcheol before he could get the chance to knock again.

He opened the door and immediately pulled Seungcheol in and said, “I’m so sorry. Can you forgive me? I didn’t mean it.” Jeonghan had his arms around Seungcheol, voice muffled by his chest, damp hair tickling Seungcheol’s face.

“Let’s talk,” Seungcheol said, putting his hand on Jeonghan’s back.

Jeonghan led Seungcheol into his room and motioned for him to sit on the bed with him.

“I didn’t mean to say those things,” Seungcheol sighed.

“No, I was wrong. I have been so selfish. I didn’t mean to hurt you, please forgive me,” Jeonghan pleaded. Jeonghan tried to get his arms around Seungcheol’s neck, he wanted to try to kiss him. Make Seungcheol take him back.

“Jeonghan, do you even like me?” Seungcheol asked. He tried to think of Jihoon’s words. If it was right to try to be with Jeonghan. When Jeonghan was still in love with Joshua.

“Of course I do,” Jeonghan said, pressing his lips to Seungcheol’s neck. “I was wrong before. I want to be with you. Please don’t leave me.” He said between kisses. He positioned himself on top of Seungcheol so that he was straddling his thighs.

Seungcheol was trying to tell himself this wasn’t right. That he couldn’t do this to himself again. But it was so hard when Jeonghan was telling him he liked him back. It was so hard when Jeonghan was kissing him. When Jeonghan was showing him that he wanted him back. He couldn’t pull himself away.

Jeonghan was placing kisses where Seungcheol’s jaw met his neck, whispering little _please_ s, _don’t leave me_ s, _stay_ s against his skin. His hands were thumbing against the skin under Seungcheol’s shirt.

Seungcheol thought about if Jeonghan was being honest. He was sure making it seem so. Seungcheol found it hard to argue with Jeonghan when his weight was sitting on Seungcheol’s lap, mouth on his skin, the scent of Jeonghan flooding his senses.

Jihoon didn’t understand anything about Jeonghan. Jihoon was wrong about him. Jeonghan did like him back.

Jeonghan wanted to make sure Seungcheol wasn’t going to lose interest in him. He couldn’t lose him. He leaned back on his heels where they were on either side of Seungcheol’s legs and peeled off his own shirt before leaning in close again to put Seungcheol’s hands on his body. He thought Seungcheol wanted this. This is what he’s wanted all along.

Seungcheol was nervous when Jeonghan showed such intimacy. It usually never lasted long. Seungcheol always messed things up. Always did something that caused Jeonghan to shy away, to break. He knew it would happen. It always did.

Jeonghan noticed his hesitation. He thought that this wasn’t enough for Seungcheol. He must have still been mad at him. He had to win him back. He took Seungcheol’s face in each hand and pressed their lips together. He wanted Seungcheol to touch him like he always did. To show him that he wanted him. When he started to bite on Seungcheol’s bottom lip, he finally got the response he was looking for. Seungcheol put his hands on Jeonghan’s hips, thumbs pressing firmly into his skin.

Seungcheol moved so he could have access to Jeonghan’s neck, where he began sucking and biting it. Jeonghan didn’t want to tell him that he didn’t want any marks but he thought he might upset Seungcheol by telling him no. He couldn’t ruin this. He couldn’t do anything that would cause Seungcheol to leave.

Seungcheol never had this much access to Jeonghan’s skin, he intended to make use of it. He pressed kisses to every inch of Jeonghan’s skin he possibly could, biting his collarbones, nails slightly scratching Jeonghan's back. He savored the feeling of Jeonghan under his fingertips. He was worried that at any time, he wouldn’t be there anymore. With every mark he left on Jeonghan’s skin, it reminded him that Jeonghan was his, at least for a while. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jihoon is my ace/aro fav who watches seungcheol make mistakes
> 
> josh is probs at home with a hangover telling his mom how ppl poisoned the juice at a party and shes telling him hes not allowed out after 9pm anymore
> 
> anyways thank u for reading and ur comments!  
> it means a lot to me
> 
>  
> 
> also i bet ur all hoping i end this fuckin fic already but i just keep going


	8. Chords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if Joshua liked him back?

Jeonghan thought everything was normal now. Well, maybe not normal, but okay. Better. He thought that he repaired his relationship with Seungcheol. Seungcheol still liked him and that’s all Jeonghan needed. He picked him up after school, they shared cigarettes while leaning against the hood of Seungcheol’s car. Jeonghan would come over after school. He didn’t mind the bruises Seungcheol kissed into his skin anymore.

Everything was going okay until Jeonghan decided to go over Joshua’s house after school to get help with math. (Wonwoo really wasn’t any help.) Jeonghan was laying on the floor in Joshua’s living room, face close to this text book, eyes focused on an equation he didn't understand. Joshua was sitting cross-legged at a coffee table in the middle of the room just a few feet from Jeonghan, diligently scribbling his homework down.

“I like you,” Joshua said casually, not looking up from where he was working. “I know you asked a while ago. But I do like you.”

Jeonghan turned to look at Joshua, confused at his words.

“I don’t think I knew when you asked. I was confused. I thought that we were just friends. I thought I always wanted you to come over because I just wanted to hang out. But, when you aren’t here, I miss you. And I get jealous when you hang out with other people. I don’t think friends would feel this way about each other,” Joshua continued.

Jeonghan didn’t know what to say.

“I remember going to that party with you. I remember when you kissed me in the bathroom. And I can’t stop thinking about how I want you to do it again,” Joshua said. He was focusing on his notebook, at the ink on the page, anything to not look at Jeonghan, to show him the blush creeping across his cheeks.

Jeonghan didn’t know what to do. He had just fixed everything with Seungcheol. Why would Joshua do this to him? Why now? Why not 2 weeks ago? Or 5 years ago? He didn’t even know if he was happy. He wanted to hear this from Joshua for years. He had been waiting since seventh grade. Why now? Why didn’t it feel good now? He couldn’t say anything. 

“I’m sorry. Was that not okay? I wasn’t sure how you felt. I thought maybe you felt the same,” Joshua said, nervously taking back his words.

“No, it’s…,” Jeonghan said. Why wasn’t he happy? He wanted this.

Didn’t he?

“Are you already with Seungcheol? I figured you might have been. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Joshua said.

“I like you. You know I do,” Jeonghan said. He didn’t know what to do. Probably not this though.

The corners of Joshua’s lips curved into a smile where he was still pretending to do homework. Jeonghan loved him.

Didn’t he?

He wanted this.

Didn’t he?

\--

Jeonghan was sitting in the passenger seat of Seungcheol’s car, smoke slipping from his lips. They were parked in front of Jeonghan’s house. He hated this. He didn’t want to do this.

“Joshua told me something the other day…,” Jeonghan started. He felt sick.

“What was it?” Seungcheol asked, innocent of what was to come.

“He told me that he liked me,” Jeonghan said, eyes focused on literally anything other than Seungcheol.

After a short pause, Seungcheol asked, “What are you going to do about it?”

“You know already,” Jeonghan replied, taking another long drag from a cigarette, smoke escaping with a sigh.

“Then…, what am I supposed to do?” Seungcheol asked.

“I’m sorry. I am,” Jeonghan responded. “You know how I felt. You know how long I’ve liked him.”

“I know,” is all Seungcheol could say. Would this mean he would lose Jeonghan? Would he no longer be able to pick him up from school, talk with him while sitting on his bed, share drags from cigarettes? He was so sick of losing people. Nothing was ever his.

He thought it was only time until he lost Jeonghan. Until he left him. He knew it was coming. Things had been going too well for too long. 

“Just because I love Joshua doesn’t mean I never had feelings for you,” Jeonghan said, taking off his seat belt, hand on the door.

“Don’t you still?” Seungcheol asked.

“Please, don’t do this,” Jeonghan pleaded, turning to face Seungcheol again.

“I can’t help it. I thought you were finally mine,” Seungcheol said, eyes cast downwards.

Jeonghan moved closer to Seungcheol, taking his face in one free hand to press a chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth. He didn’t know what to say to him. Seungcheol was upset because of him. Jeonghan was the one hurting him. It was his fault. He hated the feeling.

He opened the door and got out, not looking back at the car, dropping the butt of his cigarette on the ground and crushing it with his heel. Every step towards his house was hard, long. When he was able to push the front door open, place a foot inside, he heard Seungcheol turn on the engine again and leave.

He had to tell himself this was the right thing to do.

He knew from the beginning that he was never in love with Seungcheol.

Why did it hurt so much to let him go?

Why was Seungcheol so good to him?

He wouldn’t hurt Seungcheol anymore.

 

Jeonghan leaned against the door for a while once inside, trying to collect himself. Why was he so upset over this when he wasn’t even in love with Seungcheol?

When Jeonghan thought Seungcheol had driven far enough away, he stepped back outside to walk to Joshua’s house down the street. He had to tell himself that he was making the right choice. That he loved Joshua and wanted to be with Joshua. That hurting Seungcheol was justified. That it wasn’t a mistake.

Jeonghan was surprised when Joshua’s mother answered the door instead of him. “Hello, Jeonghan. What do you want?” she asked. She was trying to be pleasant. Or at least Jeonghan hoped she was trying to be.

“Can I see Joshua?” Jeonghan responded, fiddling with his shirt sleeves.

“He has a lot of work to do. I’m not sure that would be the best for him right now,” she said, lips forming a tight line, nearly a frown.

Jeonghan was about to apologize, say sorry and that he would come back another time, but he heard Joshua call from the other room to ask who was at the door.

Joshua’s mother sighed. Soon Joshua was at her side, a smile appeared on his face. “Hi Jeonghan, what’s up?”

“Do you have time to hang out? Your mom just told me you were busy,” Jeonghan asked.

“Yeah of course, come in,” Joshua smiled. His mother’s eyebrows were now copying her lips as both seemed to make perfect straight lines across her face.

“Thanks,” Jeonghan said, trying to give Joshua’s mother an apologetic smile for intruding as he walked through the doorway.

They settled in on the edge of Joshua’s bed and Jeonghan said, “I’m pretty sure your mom hates me.”

“She doesn’t. She just wants to make sure I get all my work done,” Joshua tried to reassure him.

“It’s Friday, who does any work on the weekends?” Jeonghan laughed.

“She is just making sure I keep my grades up. You know, college applications and everything,” Joshua added. Jeonghan hated thinking about college.

Jeonghan put his hand on Joshua’s and asked, “Does she know about us?”

“I didn’t tell her,” Joshua said.

“Are you going to?” Jeonghan asked.

“Yes, don’t worry,” Joshua said.

“Okay,” Jeonghan said, lips barely curving into a smile. He moved closer to Joshua in attempt to press their lips together but was interrupted by someone asking if they wanted anything to drink. Joshua’s mother was in the doorway, arms crossed across her chest.

“No mom, we’re fine,” Joshua said with a nervous smile.

“Okay, just let me know,” she replied.

Jeonghan looked back over at Joshua, “Hey, maybe we should close the door.”

“When have you ever seen my mom let me close my door when I have friends over? She thinks we could be starting small fires or something,” Joshua sighed.

“Joshua, will she be okay with us together?” Jeonghan asked, expression serious.

“Of course, I told you already,” Joshua said.

“Maybe you should tell her now,” Jeonghan suggested.

“Now isn’t the right time.”

“When will it be the right time?”

“Later, I promise. She’s just weird about this stuff. Please, I really do like you,” Joshua said, putting his hand back on Jeonghan’s.

“Well, maybe we should go somewhere,” Jeonghan proposed.

“Where?”

“Let’s go to the park. Like we used to. She can handle that right?” Jeonghan said.

“Sure,” Joshua smiled. “I want to show you something I’ve been working on anyways,” he added, grabbing his guitar case before heading out the door.

 

They walked together down the street and when Joshua thought he was far enough away from his house, he held Jeonghan’s hand in his own, bulky guitar case in the other. Jeonghan pretended that it didn’t bother him that Joshua wouldn’t tell his mom. Maybe she would finally like him if her son said that he liked him. As Jeonghan grew older, Joshua’s mother seemed to like him less and less. He was never on the honor roll, never joined any clubs at school, always turned Joshua down when he invited Jeonghan to come to church events. The scent of cigarette smoke on his clothes didn’t make him any more desirable either. But it wasn’t Joshua’s mother Jeonghan was trying to win the affections of, it was her son. Who didn’t seem to mind any of that.

At the nature reserve, they took the tree-lined path down to the shallow creek they used to play in as kids. The branches were growing barren as winter was approaching, but it was still beautiful. Passing the benches lined along the path, Jeonghan tried to forget when Joshua rejected him a while back. Because he liked him now. He didn’t want to ruin the park with bad memories.

Memories like being with Seungcheol.

Fighting with Seungcheol.

“Are you okay?” Joshua asked. He noticed Jeonghan was dragging behind, eyes unfocused.

“Yeah, of course. I’m just thinking about when we used to come here as kids,” Jeonghan replied, trying to smile.

Joshua reached the creek first, put the case on a dry patch of grass and sat near the water. Jeonghan joined him shortly. They used to sit with their feet dangling over the bank, toes grazing the surface. It was too cold now. Maybe they were too old for that anyways.

Jeonghan chose to sit cross legged facing Joshua. He felt like when he was seventh grade again.

Jeonghan tried not to think about how he felt like Joshua was ashamed of him. Not telling his mother about him. Not wanting her to see them together. That’s why they were here anyways. In a spot where nobody would come looking for them. He wanted to be happy about this. It was so hard to be. When it felt like he was a burden. Hidden from everyone.

“I’ve been working on the chords to a song. I think I almost mastered it,” Joshua smiled, staring at the light trapped in the water’s surface.

“When are you going to teach me anything?” Jeonghan joked.

“I can show you how to play the song I’ve been practicing,” Joshua replied, getting up to get the case, undoing the latches to pull out the guitar.

When he was able to sit comfortably in the grass with the guitar seated on his lap, he began to strum slowly until finding a natural rhythm and playing notes for Jeonghan, who turned so he could still face him.

“Joshua, you always play this song,” Jeonghan protested as he recognized the song immediately, because he was right, it was the only song Joshua ever played.

“Okay, but I finally mastered it!” Joshua said, defending himself.

Jeonghan had to admit that Joshua had gotten a lot better at the song. Jeonghan figured hearing the same song all the time was worth it.

“Hey, come here. I’ll show you how to play the chords,” Joshua said.

“I’ve listened to this song a hundred times and now you’re gonna make me play it?” Jeonghan pouted.

“Yes, because it’s the only one I know well enough to teach you,” Joshua laughed.

“Fine,” Jeonghan said, returning his smile. He moved to where Joshua was sitting and Joshua placed the guitar in his lap, adjusting it so Jeonghan’s hands were holding it correctly. Joshua sat behind him so that his chest was flush with Jeonghan’s back, legs on either side of him, hands ghosting Jeonghan’s.

“Okay, now put this finger here,” Joshua said, guiding Jeonghan’s hands on the neck of the instrument, face close to Jeonghan’s.

“Like this?” Jeonghan asked, focusing on the space between the two of them.

“Yeah, perfect. Now strum it like this,” Joshua said, moving Jeonghan’s other hand.

Jeonghan kept his gaze on Joshua’s lips, how close they were. He only had to turn his head slightly to press a kiss on Joshua’s cheek.

“Didn’t you want to learn how to play? You have to watch me,” Joshua said, nervously avoiding Jeonghan’s gaze.

“I am watching you,” Jeonghan said.

“No, watch my hands,” Joshua replied.

“Fine,” Jeonghan smiled before turning to watch Joshua’s hands show him how to properly play a note.

Jeonghan told himself he could be okay with this. Giving Joshua kisses where nobody else could see.

This was enough for him.

It had to be.

“Did Seungcheol give you a ride home today?” Joshua asked, in between guiding Jeonghan’s hands to the proper positions.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, does that bother you?” Jeonghan asked.

“No, of course not,” Joshua said.

“He’s not going to anymore. Why do you ask?” Jeonghan added.

“No reason,” Joshua responded. In such close proximity he could smell the smoke lingering on Jeonghan’s clothes. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to smell it anymore. If Jeonghan wouldn’t be getting rides from Seungcheol anymore. Joshua thought that Jeonghan would finally be away from Seungcheol’s bad influence. 

"I think I'm going to apply to that school in the city," Joshua said, as he strummed the guitar while Jeonghan was focused on the position of his fingers so he could hit the right notes.

"Oh? That's good," Jeonghan said. He didn't really want to talk about college. 

"You know, you could apply to the community college that's near it. If you still want to go to college. We could share an apartment together in the city," Joshua added.

"Are you already asking me to move in with you?" Jeonghan joked.

"I mean, wouldn't it be easier to go to college if you already had one person you knew there?" Joshua asked.

"Yeah, that sounds nice," Jeonghan smiled. He took his eyes off of the guitar to turn to kiss Joshua once more before being yelled at for not paying attention.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im trying to fix things  
> i promise  
> arent u convinced everyone is happy??
> 
> this fic wasnt supposed to be longer than 20k but honestly i gotta fix everything  
> clean up this mess!


	9. Longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon may be catching feelings and Jeonghan's not over his.

Seungcheol knocked on the door, leaving long pauses between each strike. When Jihoon answered, Seungcheol sighed, “You were right.”

“I know. But what is it about this time?” Jihoon asked, moving so Seungcheol could come inside.

They walked back to Jihoon’s bedroom where Seungcheol lied on his bed face down and mumbled something inaudible into his pillow.

“Is this about Jeonghan?” Jihoon asked. It had to have been because Seungcheol was fine when Jihoon saw him earlier at school. Jihoon knew that Seungcheol usually spent this time with Jeonghan.

Seungcheol just mumbled again in response.

“Did you listen to me before?” Jihoon asked.

Seungcheol emitted another mumble, a sadder one.

“Alright, tell me what he said,” Jihoon sighed, choosing to sit on the edge of his bed next to Seungcheol, who finally rolled over so he was facing the ceiling.

“I know you told me that I shouldn’t have tried to date Jeonghan. Something about him not really liking me. So I went to go tell him that I wanted to break it off—like you told me to—but he told me that he did like me and wanted to be together. And I believed him. And it was going really well for a while. It was like when we met for the first time,” Seungcheol explained. He paused for a moment, tying to gather his thoughts, “But earlier, when I was dropping him off at his house, he said that Joshua told him that he liked Jeonghan back. And Jeonghan told me that he was going to go be with Joshua. Which I don’t understand because he told me before that Joshua didn’t even like him. I…I don’t know what to think anymore. Jeonghan is so hard to read. I never know what he’s thinking,” Seungcheol sighed. “But he always does this.”

“This is why you were supposed to take my advice,” Jihoon said, pinching the bridge of his nose. Seungcheol had horrible luck with relationships. Jihoon really felt bad for him. "I told you to leave him alone because he's going to keep doing this. That's who he is. You're not going to fix him. So don't try."

Seungcheol groaned. “You’re too good to me. I never follow your advice and you’re always right,” he whined, grabbing a pillow and putting it over his face.

“Everyone knows I’m always right. That’s not news,” Jihoon said, lips curving upwards.

“Why do you pity me?” Seungcheol said, moving the pillow slightly so Jihoon could hear him.

“I pity you because you’re my best friend,” Jihoon said. “And you’re too nice to keep getting fucked over.”

Seungcheol sat up and took Jihoon in his arms, resting his forehead against his shoulder, “Thank you for pitying me. It means a lot,” he said, a sad laugh escaping his lips. “I just really thought things would work out this time,” Seungcheol sighed.

He usually hated it when Seungcheol was affectionate with him. But just this once he would let it slide. Seungcheol deserved it.

Jihoon was used to taking care of Seungcheol after his failed relationships. He just wished he could protect Seungcheol. He wished he could stop letting people hurt him.

He wouldn’t hurt Seungcheol.

He wasn’t in love or anything. Wanting to make sure your best friend wasn’t getting hurt wasn’t love. Jihoon didn’t fall in love.

\--

Jeonghan was lying awake in bed, thoughts racing. He thought he would feel better now that Joshua liked him back. He had wanted this for years. But it wasn’t right. Jeonghan didn’t know if Joshua really wanted to be with him. He seemed to be hiding Jeonghan from everyone. As if he was ashamed of him. Jeonghan figured that he was right to be ashamed. Jeonghan wasn’t the kind of guy you got excited to introduce to people—especially parents. He was a terrible student and had no involvement in any organizations that weren’t fueled by drugs or alcohol. He really had no friends except Joshua. He was an embarrassment. No wonder Joshua didn’t want to be seen with him.

Jeonghan just wanted to be told he was wanted. To be shown that somebody actually liked him.

He sat up in his bed and contemplated going in his mom’s liquor cabinet. It really wasn’t much of a cabinet or collection, just some tequila she kept under the sink. Would she notice if Jeonghan had some? It’s not like she measured how much is in the bottle after she drinks it. And she trusted Jeonghan enough to leave it where he had access to it. His mom probably didn’t think Jeonghan ever had a reason to drink.

Jeonghan decided to do it. His mother was out anyways. She’d never know.

He got up from his bed and maneuvered around his dark room to the kitchen. He had spent so long just sitting in the dark that his eyes had adjusted enough to see his way around. He opened the cabinet under the sink to find the tequila exactly where he knew it’d be. He grabbed the bottle and a cup and poured himself some. He wanted to make sure he didn’t take enough that would be noticeable. How could she notice anyways? It’s not like she examined the bottle whenever she was pouring herself any. Jeonghan poured himself just a little more. Jeonghan thought about how Joshua’s mother probably kept her alcohol locked in some box so her son couldn’t steal any. Did she even drink? It’s not like Joshua would ever steal any alcohol anyways. She was pretty uptight. But Jeonghan guessed that’s just because she cared about her son.

When Jeonghan thought he was able to sneak enough alcohol for himself, he went back to his room to start sipping on it in the dark. He didn’t know how else to calm down. He was so tired and just wanted to stop thinking about Joshua. He would have to go to school tomorrow and needed to get some sleep if he wanted to be functioning in the morning. He thought about lighting a cigarette from the pack he kept at the bottom of his desk drawer, but he worried they would just remind him of Seungcheol. Who he scared away. Jeonghan was terrible. He decided to drink the rest of the cup in one go. 

When he started to feel light and warm, he wondered when the last time he even ate was. He had a problem forgetting to eat which he didn’t think was much of a problem except when it came to drinking. The alcohol was hitting him too fast. But he started feeling better.

He missed Seungcheol. He missed the way he looked at Jeonghan. The way he touched him. The way Seungcheol made him feel. The way he wanted Joshua to make him feel. Why did he break it off with him? For Joshua? Who was ashamed of him. Who he kept secrets from.

He wondered if Seungcheol would take him back. Like he had in the past.

Jeonghan got up, not stable on his legs, and tried walking to his desk to fish out the cigarettes from the drawer. He found the lighter at the bottom of the drawer and lit one, immediately releasing a smoke-filled sigh of relief when he exhaled. He told himself he had no excuse to smoke if he wasn’t hanging out with Seungcheol. But his body craved the nicotine. He remembered that he still had Seungcheol’s hoodie from a while back when Seungcheol came over. When Seungcheol helped him because he thought he was sick. When Seungcheol liked him enough to come over and care for him.

Jeonghan kept the cigarette in between his teeth as he searched through the clothes littered around his room to find the sweatshirt. After a short while, he found it under a pile of clothes in the corner of his room. Releasing another sigh, Jeonghan took the cigarette between his fingers so he could smell the hoodie. It still smelled like Seungcheol. He craved more of the scent. With the hoodie in one hand, he took another long drag from the cigarette before moving to the bathroom to discard the butt in the toilet. It’s not like he had an ashtray or anything. He wouldn’t admit that he needed one. He only smoked casually. Really. Only with Seungcheol.

Once Jeonghan’s hand was free, he put the sweatshirt over his head and smelled the collar. He loved the smell. He wanted more.

He stumbled back into his room to look for where he left his phone. After tripping over a shoe in the middle of the floor, Jeonghan was able to get back up to look around on his bed. He looked under his comforter but found it under his pillow.

He opened a new message to type, “ _hey_.”

He kept typing, _“hey arw u awake?”_

_“i miss you”_

_“wake yup”_

Finally, he received a reply _: “Are u ok? Its like 3am”_

_“I just wanted oy talk you ou”_

_“Are u drunk? u have school 2morrow”_

_“come ovee”_

_“Its late. 2morrow?”_

_“I kmiss uyo now”_

When he didn’t receive a reply, Jeonghan added: “ _my moms not hoem”_

“ _I cant. :-(“_

_“dont u miss me?”_

_“of course. but I cant now. 2morrow.”_

Jeonghan sat staring at his phone for a while. Why didn’t Seungcheol want to come over? Didn’t he like Jeonghan? Why was everyone turning Jeonghan away?

Jeonghan threw his phone on the floor and curled up in his bed under the covers. He felt so alone. Nobody wanted to be with him. Not Joshua. Not Seungcheol. Not even his own mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly this keeps getting worse but the only ideas i ever get are bad ideas so  
> not really sure what im doing anymore  
> sorry kids


	10. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeonghan is faced with last night's mistake. He may not consider it a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im pretty sure this should still be rated T but let me know if u think it should be changed

Jeonghan was sitting in Algebra with his head on his desk when Wonwoo dropped his books loudly next to him, causing him to groan in response.

“Dude, what’s up with you?” Wonwoo laughed.

“I don’t feel well today,” Jeonghan mumbled, lifting his head slightly so he could face Wonwoo, squinting from the bright lights.

“Are you fucking hungover? Oh my god it’s only Wednesday,” Wonwoo said quietly so nobody else would hear him.

“Yeah, I guess I decided to have a little party last night and now I feel like shit,” Jeonghan added.

“Why wasn’t I invited?” Wonwoo asked.

“I decided to keep it small. Ya know, just me and my thoughts,” Jeonghan joked.

“I feel that,” Wonwoo sighed before their teacher finally started the lesson. Something with letters instead of numbers which Jeonghan hated the most. He couldn’t even keep his eyes open to pay attention without his migraine turning his stomach over. “You know,” Wonwoo continued quietly, “if you’re up to it, we could go out Friday night. If you make it ‘til then, that is.”

Jeonghan was in no mood to think about drinking again, but he agreed. He felt like he’d regret turning down an offer to go out. By Friday he’d probably feel like drinking again, he knew that much.

\--

Jeonghan received a text during his last class of the day: “ _Did you still want me to come over?”_ from Seungcheol. Jeonghan didn’t know what he meant. He thought he broke it off with Seungcheol last week. What’s he doing texting him now? Jeonghan needed to figure out what Seungcheol meant so he decided to look the last texts he sent him.

_“dont u miss me?”_

Fuck. He forgot he texted Seungcheol last night. He thought he just dreamed that shit. He didn’t think he actually texted Seungcheol to come over. What was he supposed to say to him now?

Maybe he did want to see Seungcheol again. Maybe they could just talk. Like friends.

“ _yeah. I don’t need a ride after school though. Just come over when you can.”_

_“Okay, I’ll drive Jihoon home and then come over”_

Jeonghan wouldn’t admit he was kind of happy Seungcheol was coming to see him. As friends, of course.

 

Jeonghan thought about Seungcheol the entire walk home with Joshua. What was he going to say to him today? Maybe it was a mistake to tell him yes. But he felt bad telling him no. He didn’t want to admit that he just got a little too drunk last night. He had to act like this was planned. To convince himself he actually wasn’t the mess he appeared to be.

“Are you coming over?” Joshua asked when they got close to Jeonghan’s driveway.

“Oh, not today. My mom invited some of her old high school friends over and she wants me to eat dinner with him,” Jeonghan explained. Why was it so easy to lie to Joshua? Maybe it’s because he’s been doing it for years.

“That sounds fun,” Joshua smiled. “Okay, then I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan said. He wanted to kiss him goodbye, but he knew Joshua wouldn’t let him this close to his house. He just reached out to wrap an arm around his neck for a quick hug. Nothing that would raise suspicion. That’s what Joshua was comfortable with. And that’s what Jeonghan would have to be comfortable with.

He walked up his driveway to unlock the front door. Whenever his mom left for a while, he had to remember to bring his keys because she wouldn’t leave the door unlocked for him. He stepped inside and made his way to his room where he collapsed on his bed face down. He told Joshua he wouldn’t see Seungcheol anymore. But saying it like that made it seem like Seungcheol was an ex-boyfriend or something. To decide to stop seeing Seungcheol was admitting that there was something between them. And Jeonghan convinced himself there wasn’t anything between them. They were friends. Friends can hang out. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and reviewed the texts he sent last night. He sighed. He couldn’t believe he would do this.

While staring at the messages, a new one appeared. “ _Here :-)”_

Jeonghan got up and walked to the front door to let Seungcheol in. He always remembered to park in the street and not Jeonghan’s driveway. Jeonghan hated that he liked that about Seungcheol.

“So what’s up? Why did you want me to come over last night?” Seungcheol started as he walked through the doorway.

“I miss talking to you, that’s all,” Jeonghan said, biting his bottom lip as he turned to close the door behind Seungcheol.

“Yeah, I miss hanging out with you too,” Seungcheol said, looking around the living room to see where he could sit.

“C’mon, we can go to my room,” Jeonghan told him, making his way back to the small room. There wasn’t really any seating except for on his bed, so Jeonghan sat on the edge and patted the spot next to him for Seungcheol to take.

“How are your classes going?” Seungcheol asked. Jeonghan hated that he cared.

“Pretty bad. As usual. Don’t you still talk to Wonwoo? We’re both gonna fail Algebra,” Jeonghan said.

“You know I could help you? I’m pretty good at math,” Seungcheol offered.

“Why didn’t you tell me this weeks ago?” Jeonghan asked, jokingly hitting Seungcheol’s chest. He longed to keep his hand there. He missed the way Seungcheol felt under his fingertips.

“I thought Joshua was helping you. How is he anyways?” Seungcheol asked.

“He usually does try to help me…,” Jeonghan said. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course,” Seungcheol smiled.

“About Joshua…I’m worried he doesn’t like me,” Jeonghan said.

“Why would you think that? Didn’t he tell you that he did?” Seungcheol asked.

“He did, but he doesn’t seem to want anyone to know about us. Like, he won’t even tell his mom. I mean, I know she hates me and everything, but don’t you think you would tell your mom about your boyfriend?” Jeonghan continued.

“Well, did you tell your mom?” Seungcheol asked.

“My mom is never home. And she doesn’t really care,” Jeonghan added.

Seungcheol thought about Jeonghan’s words for a moment. He really didn’t know a lot about Jeonghan’s home life, but he did notice Jeonghan was alone a lot. Where were his parents? Why did he seem to not even care? “I’m sure your mom would be interested in your life,” Seungcheol tried to reassure him.

“Sure, I guess…,” Jeonghan said. “But what do you think about Joshua?”

“I’m sure he’s just nervous about the relationship. From what you told me he doesn’t seem to date a lot. He’s probably just trying to make sure everything goes right,” Seungcheol tried to tell him. He couldn’t believe Joshua wasn’t treating Jeonghan right. He wish that he had made it work with Jeonghan. He would treat him better than Joshua. “He probably doesn’t want to mess anything up with you. He probably really likes you, that's all.”

“Thanks,” Jeonghan said. He tried to think about anything other than about how much he missed Seungcheol’s affections for him. Why did he let him go?

“Do you want to get something to eat or anything? I didn't get a chance to eat lunch at school,” Seungcheol smiled.

Jeonghan wasn’t really hungry but he decided to accept the offer anyways. He didn’t want to admit that he wanted to stay with Seungcheol just a little while longer. He didn’t want to admit that he missed him. But he did.

 

Jeonghan was sitting across from Seungcheol at a table, stealing fries off his plate. When he told Seungcheol that he wasn’t hungry enough to order anything, Seungcheol offered to share a meal with him. Jeonghan hated that Seungcheol was so nice to him. After what he did to him. In between bites of fries, Jeonghan spoke up to say, “Hey, Wonwoo mentioned going out Friday. Do you want to join us? It’ll probably be fun.”

“Yeah, of course. I haven’t seen him in a while,” Seungcheol smiled. Jeonghan smiled too.

“Is Joshua going to join us?” Seungcheol asked.

“No, I’m pretty sure after his last party he’s not really gonna feel like joining us. I had to tell him he drank expired juice so he wouldn’t freak out about alcohol poisoning. He’s really too innocent to get shitfaced with us again,” Jeonghan explained.

“He’s pretty funny,” Seungcheol said. “He’s not weird about us hanging out, right?”

“No, he’s totally cool with it,” Jeonghan added, before putting another fry in his mouth.

\--

Joshua would totally not be cool with Jeonghan and Seungcheol hanging out if he knew that Jeonghan was spending his Friday night plastered, sitting on Seungcheol’s lap (who was equally plastered). Jeonghan didn’t remember how it happened but there he was, making out with Seungcheol on some random person's couch in a dirty basement. They showed up with Wonwoo who knows how long ago, and he recommended they all do shots immediately. Which is only fun in theory. Because after taking three back-to-back, Jeonghan knew he wasn’t going to last long. He probably should have just stuck to drinking a few beers, but he also knew that he would feel better if he was wasted. He’s always right about that.

So after how many cups of who knows what, Jeonghan was sitting on Seungcheol’s lap, knees on either side of Seungcheol’s thighs, with Seungcheol’s lips on his neck. Wonwoo left the two alone because he wanted to hang out with Junhui and Soonyoung, who also decided to come to this party. Since he moved he didn't get to see his old friends as much as he would like. Wonwoo probably didn’t realize the exact position Seungcheol and Jeonghan were in—about the whole broke-up-but-not-really-dating-in-the-first-place thing—and he probably didn’t know about their current position on the couch either. The only thing Jeonghan could think about was how good it felt to be kissed, to be touched.

Joshua avoided touching Jeonghan, and didn’t seem to respond to his kisses either. Jeonghan respected that. He wasn’t overly affectionate with Joshua. He would maybe hold his hand when they were alone. But it made him feel unwanted. It made him feel like a burden. Like some ugly secret. Being with Seungcheol again, he felt like someone actually wanted to be with him. Wanted to be seen with him. Wasn’t embarrassed by him.

Seungcheol was placing open mouth kisses on Jeonghan’s neck, trailing them from behind his ear to where the collar of his shirt was barely exposing his collar bones. Jeonghan had his fingers in Seungcheol’s hair, nearly petting him as encouragement to not stop. When Seungcheol spent time sucking hard on one spot on his collarbone, Jeonghan didn’t understand that he should tell him to not leave a mark. He was too focused on how good it felt to have Seungcheol touch him again. He didn’t realize that it was wrong. Was it though? Were him and Joshua even official? It’s not like Joshua called him his boyfriend or anything. Jeonghan felt like he was forcing Joshua to be with him. As if Joshua felt bad his best friend had a crush on him so he decided to play along. Jeonghan thought that being with Joshua would make him happy. But it made him feel even worse. Jeonghan almost stopped thinking entirely when Seungcheol moved a hand to palm Jeonghan through his jeans.

“Hey, let’s go to the bathroom or something,” Jeonghan slurred against the shell of Seungcheol’s ear, who nodded in response, not wanting to pull away from Jeonghan. Seungcheol was able to pick up Jeonghan and carry him to the nearest bathroom, which made Jeonghan weakly hit Seungcheol’s back with closed fists in protest. He loved it though.

Seungcheol found an empty bathroom and placed Jeonghan on the counter so he could close the door behind them and turn the lock. He immediately recaptured Jeonghan’s lips with his own, hands on Jeonghan’s sides, fingers creeping past the hem of his shirt. Jeonghan wrapped his legs around Seungcheol’s back, keeping him close, hands around his neck. Seungcheol took Jeonghan’s bottom lip between his teeth, then moved to recapture the top one. It was as sloppy as someone would expect from two wasted kids, but Jeonghan still loved it. He loved the attention.

Seungcheol moved to nip Jeonghan’s jaw and place his kisses along his neck. Then he moved his hands to grasp the hem of Jeonghan’s shirt, as if asking permission to remove it. Jeonghan took off the shirt on his own and threw it on the floor. Seungcheol immediately placed his lips on Jeonghan’s chest, trying to press open mouth kisses along every inch of skin. Jeonghan tightened his grip on Seungcheol by squeezing him closer with his legs, grinding into his hips in the process, causing Seungcheol to hiss against Jeonghan’s skin. Seungcheol kissed a line down Jeonghan’s chest, from his collar bones to his navel, where he stopped to put his hands on Jeonghan’s belt. Jeonghan’s put his hands in Seungcheol’s hair to reassure him. When Seungcheol was able to undo his fly, slip his jeans down just far enough to mouth him over his briefs, Jeonghan was sure he released some noise akin to a whine, tightening his grip on Seungcheol’s hair. He hadn’t felt this good in a long time. Only Seungcheol made him feel this good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally what the fuck i kno  
> welp  
> sorry kids pt 2


	11. Sores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poking and prodding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello  
> i have been quite busy with school and work so i dont get any time to write anymore  
> sorry   
> this chapter isnt that great but u can have it bc its the same shit as all the other chapters  
> thanks if u stuck around

“Jeonghan, wake up. Come out and talk to us,” Jeonghan heard his mother call from the opposite side of his bedroom door. He heard a deep voice murmur something, signalling that his mother’s boyfriend was also with her. He really was not in the mood to play “good son” when his head was pounding and the room may have been spinning. When he sat up to try to move, he noticed the weight next to him on the bed.

Fuck.

Seungcheol was sleeping to next to him. In his bed. And his mother wanted him to greet her and her boyfriend.

Jeonghan carefully slipped out of the bed without disturbing Seungcheol. He grabbed a shirt from off the floor and slid on some jeans. When he made it to the bathroom, he turned on the sink to muffle the sounds of him throwing up in the toilet. He washed out the taste of bile from his mouth and looked at himself in the mirror. Deep purple bruises were blooming across his neck and collar bones. He poked and prodded at his skin but knew they weren’t going away any time soon. He tried to use his hair to cover them, but it was a futile effort. Jeonghan decided that he should probably make sure his mom didn’t find out about the boy sleeping in his bed who gave him the bruises, so he tip-toed back to his room, carefully shutting the door behind him, and kneeled on the floor next to his bed.

“Hey…Seungcheol…are you awake?” Jeonghan whispered.

He only got a groan in response.

“Okay, I need you to stay really quiet. I’m gonna come right back so we can talk. Just stay here and don’t make any noise,” Jeonghan said. He moved the trashcan next to his bed just in case Seungcheol felt as shitty as he did, then he exited his room to finally make a mess of himself in front of his mother.

“Jeonghan, finally you’re awake. I missed you,” his mother said, moving to hug her son. When she finally got close enough, she quickly noticed his neck. “What are these?” she asked, voice raising.

“Nothing,” Jeonghan said, moving her fingers away from his neck with his own hand.

“What do you when I’m gone?” she asked. It wasn’t a question.

Jeonghan remained silent.

“You better be doing your school work and not spending all of your time messing around. Maybe that’s why your grades are so horrible. Maybe I should give you a curfew. I bet other students have curfews,” she added, finally leaving Jeonghan’s neck alone, exhausting herself.

 

Seungcheol finally rolled over and when he reached over for his phone where he usually left it on his side table, he noticed that it wasn’t there. He opened his eyes and noticed that he wasn’t even in his room, it was Jeonghan’s. He thought he heard his voice earlier, but didn’t remember spending the night. His head was pounding and he felt like shit. How did he even get here? He remembered going to that party with Jeonghan and Wonwoo. He remembered playing some drinking game with Jeonghan after Wonwoo met up with his friends. Drinking more with Jeonghan. He remembered Jeonghan telling him he wanted to sit down because he didn’t feel good. Then he remembered making out with Jeonghan on the couch.

And that’s about it. Why did they come back to Jeonghan’s house together? Seungcheol hoped he didn’t do anything stupid.

Of course he probably did something stupid. Making out with Jeonghan was a stupid thing to do. He was at Jeonghan’s house, which also meant he probably did something else pretty stupid.

Seungcheol fucked up. Jeonghan was dating Joshua. He really hoped he didn’t do anything that made Jeonghan uncomfortable. Now that they weren’t dating anymore.

Seungcheol sat up and saw his phone on the floor. When he reached over to retrieve it, he felt nauseous. How much did he have to drink last night?

Out of something akin to reflex, he opened a new message to text Jihoon: “ _Hey. I fucked up”_

_“What did you do this time?”_

_“I woke up at Jeonghan’s. I’m there now”_

_“Holy shit.”_

_“Yeah”_

_“What did you do last night?”_

_“I don’t know. But it probably wasn’t good”_

_“Well, you better get out of there before you make it worse.”_

_“Yeah”_

He looked around for his shirt that he must have discarded last night. He found it thrown on the floor on the opposite side of the room. He tried to get up as quietly as he could, because he remembered something about Jeonghan telling him to be quiet. He figured it was because he was talking with his mom. He could hear them through the walls. She didn’t sound happy. He found his shoes by the door and he carefully walked over to slip them on. He didn’t know how he was going to get out of here. He didn’t know where his car was. Maybe he could get a ride. The only person he knew who might be able to drive him was Soonyoung. He decided to text him.

“ _Hey are you hungover?”_

He waited a short while until his phone vibrated: “ _no im fine whats up”_

_“Can you give me a ride?”_

_“sure where r u?”_

_“At someone’s house”_

_“did u get laid or something lmao”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“damn”_

_“Ill text you the address once Im ready to go”_

_“ok cool”_

Seungcheol fell back down on Jeonghan’s bed. Honestly what did he do last night?

Finally Jeonghan slipped back into his room. He looked like shit. And if he was in the state Seungcheol was in, he probably felt like shit too. Seungcheol could see the bruises on his neck. He must have given Jeonghan those. He stared at them for a while before Jeonghan said anything. 

“Good, you’re awake,” he started.

“Yeah,” Seungcheol said.

Jeonghan moved to sit on the edge of his bed next to Seungcheol, “Listen, I don’t know what happened last night, but whatever it was, it was a drunken mistake. I’m sorry. I was obviously just taking my frustrations out on you. I hope this doesn’t change our friendship or anything.”

For some reason, Seungcheol was saddened by those words. He wouldn’t hesitate to call last night a drunken mistake either. But for some reason, he didn’t want to think it was. He kept thinking something was going to happen between him and Jeonghan. He knew that it was wrong to want him. He knew it was foolish to try to make Jeonghan his. But he still wanted to. He finally spoke up, “Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. So what’s going on out there? I’m getting a ride home but I won’t leave until you think it’s alright.”

“Oh, it’s just my mom and her boyfriend. I don’t know if she’s staying or going back to his place. You can get something to eat or whatever. I think she knows you’re here anyways. And even if she doesn’t, I don’t really care anymore,” Jeonghan explained, exhausted from something. Last night or whatever went on with his mother. 

“I’ll do whatever you’re comfortable with,” Seungcheol said, trying to smile, but it was hard when he felt like complete shit.

“I don’t know about you, but I feel like going back to bed,” Jeonghan sighed. “You can get your ride, or you can sleep a while longer,” he added, falling backwards on his bed with a thump. 

“I should probably go back home, my mom might be worried that I didn’t come home last night,” Seungcheol said. He didn’t mean it. But he knew it was the right thing to say.

“Yeah, you’re right. When are you getting picked up?” Jeonghan asked, sitting back up.

“He can be here in about ten minutes.”

“I can wait outside with you.”

“Thanks,” Seungcheol said as they got up to wait on the curb outside Jeonghan’s house. If Jeonghan’s mom saw that there was a strange boy in her house with her son, she didn’t say anything. Which Seungcheol figured was probably for the best. He made sure to send that text to Soonyoung saying he needed a ride while they waited.

Seungcheol kept finding himself staring at Jeonghan’s neck, focusing on all the bruises on his skin. He liked the way they looked.

But to mark Jeonghan like that was foolish. Jeonghan was with Joshua. Except, now it would be obvious that Jeonghan had been with someone other than Joshua by those marks on his skin. Seungcheol hoped it wouldn’t cause problems for Jeonghan. He didn’t want to ruin his relationship with Joshua. He really cared about Jeonghan. If being with Joshua was what Jeonghan truly wanted, he didn't want to interfere. He didn't want to make problems. 

After sitting for a few minutes with Jeonghan, just watching the cars go by, Seungcheol wished he never sent that text to Soonyoung asking for a ride. Maybe a small part of him didn’t want to leave. Maybe he could try to work things out.

Foolish.

“You know, I really am sorry about last night,” Jeonghan said quietly into his arms where they were crossed on top of his knees.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say sorry. I was there too, you didn’t do this on your own,” Seungcheol said. He didn’t think Jeonghan had to say sorry at all. He shouldn’t feel sorry about anything they did. Or have done before. Seungcheol never wanted Jeonghan to apologize. He didn't have to. 

“I feel like it’s my fault,” Jeonghan said.

“It’s not.”

“It _is_. I know how you felt about me and I took advantage of you. I know you like me. I know you like whatever happened between us….And I just…,”Jeonghan trailed off. “I don’t know,” Jeonghan said, staring at the ground ahead of him. “I don’t know why I do anything.”

“Jeonghan…,” Seungcheol started.                                              

“Don’t,” Jeonghan interrupted him. “I don’t want you to feel bad for me. I don’t want you being nice to me. I don’t deserve it.”

“Listen to me,” Seungcheol said but was interrupted when he recognized Soonyoung’s car pulling up.

“I hope you’re not too upset about last night. Anyways, I’ll see you around,” Jeonghan said, getting up from his spot on the curb when he realized that was Seungcheol’s ride pulling up.

“Why can’t we talk about this?” Seungcheol said after standing up to face Jeonghan’s turned back.

“Because there’s nothing more to talk about. That’s it. That’s all there is between us,” Jeonghan said. “I’m sorry for fucking with your feelings. And I’m sorry I can’t stop myself from doing it,” he added, turning his head in Seungcheol’s direction before walking back inside his house.

Seungcheol silently studied his back as he left, not saying anything more. As much as it pained him to see Jeonghan walk off like that, still upset, he knew that it would only upset Jeonghan more to try to stop him.

“…So, what’s up with that?” Soonyoung asked from the driver’s seat of his car, window rolled down.

“Don’t ask,” Seungcheol sighed as he opened the passenger door to get in.

 

Soonyoung drove Seungcheol to his house, and when Seungcheol didn’t see his car in the driveway, Soonyoung drove him to the house they were at last night, where they found Seungcheol’s car parked a ways down the street.

“Do you want to talk about whatever happened earlier?” Soonyoung asked. It was more of a formality. Something to show Seungcheol that he cared. They both Soonyoung wasn’t good with shit like that. They both knew if Seungcheol was going to talk to anybody, it would be Jihoon. 

“It’s fine. It’s no big deal,” Seungcheol said, trying to smile a little, to reassure him. To reassure Soonyoung or to reassure himself. He didn't know. He waved Soonyoung goodbye and headed into his own car. He thanked himself for grabbing his keys off Jeonghan’s floor before leaving. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about Jeonghan the whole drive home. About what he said earlier.

To Seungcheol, their situation reminded him of getting a cut on the inside of your mouth. Like, when you bite your cheek. It hurts when you mess with it, but you can’t help but prod the sore with your tongue, reminding yourself of the pain.

Jeonghan was that sore.

And he couldn’t stop poking him. Bringing pain each time.


End file.
